


The Good Place AU

by tobeflyhaikyuu



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: M/M, the good place - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2019-08-05 00:39:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16357289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeflyhaikyuu/pseuds/tobeflyhaikyuu
Summary: Roman Kastler was sent to heaven for being one of the best people on Earth. But was he really? And what will he do to keep that answer safe?





	1. the good place

**Author's Note:**

> YASSSSSSSSSS bitch im doing this. at the moment i have five chapters completed, we'll see how the rest goes, hope you enjoy!

His eyes flung opened, as though he had just woken up with a scare. In front of him, stood a big wall with words painted on it. **Welcome**! it said, **Everything is fine.** in bold green letters. Near him, a door clicked open.

“Roman Kastler?” The person holding it asked with a calming voice, their bowler hat being the first thing the one named Roman noticed. “Come in.”

Without much thought, he stood up from the couch he hadn’t even realized he was sitting on, and walked inside. The room he saw was an office, the other man in the room gesturing for him to sit down at the chair in front of their own desk. With all neutral colors, the place had a few colorful paintings and other things Roman didn’t bother to notice. His curiosity focused more on the person that had called him there.

“Roman, I am Leuen.” They answered. 

“Stupendous!” Roman blinked several times with a minute before pouting. “One question though. Where am I?”

“Starting from the beginning.” Leuen nodded slowly. “You, Roman Kastler are dead.”

“Cool… cool…” Roman replied before sighing as he held his fingers in front of himself.. “I have a couple of questions.”

Laughing gently, the person leaned back on his chair. “I figured you might. Shoot.”

“How exactly did I die?” He asked. “I don’t recall any of it.”

“Ah yes…” Leuen bend on their desk, moving forward with their torso. “See, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a better transition. Are you sure you want to hear it?” Roman nodded, Leuen grabbing a file out of thin air and licking the tips of their fingers to pass pages. “So, apparently, you were going up on a stage, during rehearsal when one of the spotlights fell on top of you, right on the head.”

Hissing, Roman pulled his head back with a frown. “Traumatic indeed…”

“Yes, yes.” The person agreed, setting the file down. “Funnily enough, the first paramedic that got to you was an ex-boyfriend of y-”

“Oh yes, I can live without that part.” The human stopped for a second, squinting his eyes. “Well… I guess afterlive is the correct… word?”

“Eh… sure.” Leuen replied.

“But I guess, my biggest question is… Am I in heaven or hell, buddy?” Roman shot.

“It... is not the version of heaven and hell that you were raised on.” Leuen explained. “But generally speaking, in the afterlife, there is a bad place and a good place. Roman, you’re in the good place. You’re okay, you’re in the good place.” 

At that, the human let out a huge breath. Relief travelling down from his head right to his toes. It was the best sensation he’d felt in… he could not say how long.

“Well,” he opened a smile, “that is good.”

“Sure it!” Leuen set a hand down on their desk as they stood up. “Right, now shall we take a stroll? I’m sure you’ll love your neighbourhood.”

Leuen guided him outside. The boring setting turning into a colorful landmark as soon as the sun his their faces. Roman was overjoyed to see the variations of food. Being an actor on Earth meant he had to keep a good figure, not overeat and regularly exercise. In other words, be healthy. BUT THIS WAS HEAVEN! Surely he could gorge himself with food and not suffer the consequences?

“So,” Leuen walked with him, “this is how it all works, Roman. The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods, each other holds exactly three hundred and twenty two humans, that were perfectly and previously selected to blend into a harmony, happy, balance.”

“And do all of them look like this?” Roman questioned.

“Oh no.” The person, who Roman started to doubt was human at all, replied. “Each neighbourhood was designed by a different architect, with different ideas and tailored to the individuals who were marked to live there-”

The man drifted his mind from the speech as he looked around. He noticed the shops closests to where they stood, a lot of them seemed to be yogurt shops. 

“There are a lot of yogurt stores here.”

“Ah yes!” Leuen gave a small little jump as they knocked on air. “That’s the one thing we put in all neighbourhood. People love frozen yogurt.” They made a parting sound with their lips. “You’re bound to have a billion more questions. But for now, you should take a seat,” They gesture towards a garden area with a bunch of metal chairs aligned, “the movie’s about to start.”

Roman took a few steps forward before turning around as he asked, “What m-” But Leuen was not close by anymore. So, the human continued and found his seat in the middle area.

One the chairs were all filled, a floating screen manifested itself onto everyone’s field of vision. The words  **The Good Place** and  **Orientation Day One** , appeared on it, the first being above the second. It didn’t take long for them to get behind an excitable Leuen who ran into the frame.

“Hello, everyone!” They said. “And welcome,” They joined their hands in front of their torso, “to your first day in the afterlife. You were all, objectively, good people. But, how do we know you’re good? How can we be totally sure? During your lives on Earth, every single one of your actions created some amount of good or bad for the universe. Every food you ate,” the words appeared next to them, with a value attributed to them, “every book you read, every time you bought an item… Every single thing you did had an affected that rippled over time to cause some good or some bad. You know how some people throw trash at the can without looking and end up seeing that they missed the target but just shrug it off and walk away, thinking ‘hey, no one’s watching’? We were watching. Surprise!” They did jazz hands, which caused a wave of giggles through the audience. 

Next scene, Leuen stood next a couple of coffins with people inside. “Anyhow, when your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of your life, using our perfectly accurate measurement system. Only the people with the highest scores, the true golden hearted individuals, get to come here, to the Good Place. And what happens to everyone else, you wonder?” They waved their hand down with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. The point is,” He continued as the scene changed to a random person surrounded by more actions and numbers, “you are here because you’ve lived only of the best lives that could be lived. And you won’t be alone!” They joined them, while the written parts disappeared. “Because you true soulmate is here! Soulmates are real, people.”

With that, Roman looked around the swerve of humans around him.  _ Who among these idiots is supposed to complete me? I am already whole by myself, thank you very much.  _

“One of the other people in your neighborhood,” another person appeared in frame, Leuen pushing them closer to the one who had already been there, “is your actual soulmate and you will spend eternity together. So welcome, kids!” Leuen joined other humans in the next scene. “To eternal happiness. Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by, otters, holding hands while they sleep. You know the feeling you get after seeing two adorable little otters holding hands? That is how you are going to feel here, every day.”

With the screen shutting off and disappearing, the crowd clapped. Roman was surprised to hear no screams, whistles, or songs in the middle of that. Everyone was just polite like that. He shouldn’t be surprised, seeing as they were all, as Leuen had put it, objectively good people.

 

“So…” Roman had his hands shoved into his back pockets as he walked inside a garden next to Leuen, who offered to continue their tour just minutes prior. “Who’s in the Bad Place that you think would shock me?”

“Oh, many figures of history.” The… whatever they were, started. “Obvious ones like Hitler and Stalin… But also Amelia Hart. Hm let’s see, Elvis Presley… Amy Winehouse… Basically all artists. Every US president, even Lincoln.”

“Sounds about right.” Roman sighed. “Wow… all those amazing people, down there!” He positioned himself in front of Leuen as they stopped walking. “It’s… just so hard to imagine.”

“It is an incredibly selective system, Roman.” His guide reminded. “Most people don’t make it here. But you did, Roman. A lawyer who got innocent people out of deathrow, you are special. And by the way,” They turned Roman to their left, “welcome to your new home.”

He was met with a simple structure, seemingly composed of only two floors, with the top one being smaller than the bottom one. It didn’t seem to go far back either. Roman hated it with every fiber of his being, especially the color scheme, ugh. Who decided blue, yellow and red went well together? Was his house part of Sesame Street? 

“Perfect, no?” Leuen asked, proudly adjusting the collar of their cape. “You see, in the Good Place, everyone lives in a house tailored to their individual tastes and true essence.”

“Cool!” Roman forced a convincing smile. “Very cool! So, I guess my house is this adorable little cottage whereas some people get… bigger places. For example… that one.” He pointed to the neighbour’s house.

“Exactly!” Leuen put his height on his toes for a minute. “I am happy you understood. Let’s go inside.”

The guide opened the door with one swift wrist movement, letting Roman go inside first. And what he saw inside was not much better than the outside.

“As you can see, the interior was designed to your liking, in the primitive Icelandic style. And of course, you love clowns.” Leuen moved to the side, getting closer to the more than enough number of clown paintings on the walls.

“I do!” Roman gulped, stopping himself from letting the smile waver.

He is an actor for God’s sake! That would not change now just because he was dead.

“Now, let me show you,” Leuen grabbed his shoulders gently and lead him to ledge where his bed was, “the video system.” With one up movement, Leuen made a screen move up, showing Roman’s full name. “You can use this to review everything that happened in your life from your point of view, up until your last moments. Though, I don’t advise it for that, it can get a bit emotional. Now,” he hit one of the phrases that floated around, making a video show up. The first image was of the back of a man wearing a bright yellow vest. “here we go. This is your Human’s Right Missions to Ukraine. This got you so many points, really put you up to the top.”

Watching the scene unfold, Roman put his elbow atop the wrist of his other arm to hold it up while he grabbed his own chin, pretending to feel emotional. Right then, there were quiet uneven knocks at the door.

“Virgil?” Leuen called, making Roman turn to the opened door. “Come in.”

The man that came inside had his neck shoved in between his shoulders as he walked in, hands on the pockets of his stitched up hoodie. He also trembled a little and had extremely dark bags under his eyes. Roman could already tell he did not care for the sort.

“Roman,” His guide walked over to the person called Virgil, setting a hand over on his shoulder with a side hug, “this is Virgil Riveras, your soulmate!”

“Hello…” Virgil came a small little wave before setting his hand back down.

“Cool!” Roman imagined him to be someone hotter, like… Chris Hemsworth, and moved closed to the man for a hug as Leuen stepped back. “Bring it in!”

He squeezed a sack of stiff, lifeless, pale human.  And man, did it feel awkward.

“I’ll leave you two to it then.” Leuen clasped his hands together, leaving. “See you later!”

Once the awkward embracing was over, both men directed themselves to the couch. Roman sat down first.

“So, where are you from, Virgil?”

“Spain.” He mumbled, under his breath.

“Right!” Roman blinked several times. “It seems like an interesting country, care to tell me more about it?”

“Uh…” Virgil bit the nail of his thumb, avoiding the man’s gaze. “It’s quite hot, and very old... A lot of us also like spices-”

“Sorry, but your english is impeccable!” Roman commented, confused as he cocked his head to the side.

“Well… I’m actually talking in Spanish.” His supposed soulmate replied. “This place just… sort of translates everything.”

“Oh,” He pouted, processing the information. “Cool. So here’s a little bit about me, I’m twenty nine, born in England, but travelled all over Europe with my theater company, I love chocolate cake-”

As Roman launched into a long monologue about himself, he missed the times Virgil rolled his eyes and huffed lowly. Nearing the end, Roman debated whenever or not he should tell his soulmate about the situation he found himself in. But then a voice in his head screamed NO! He barely knew the guy, how could he trust this… barely functioning human being? No, he just couldn’t. Maybe he could find someone to confide in. Someone who looked less like the dead than this guy.

… Even if they were all actually dead.


	2. havoc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

After a long conversation, Virgil suggested they watched a movie. Both managed to agree on something by Disney. It took them a while, however, to agree on The Night Before Christmas, so by the time they were watching it, the sky outside almost seemed to grow darker and darker.

“Come on, Virgil.” Roman stood up once the film was over.

His soulmate seemed content enough to be seeing the movie in silence, so there was no unnecessary conversation to annoy Roman for the next hour and a half or so. But after the feature length was over, he felt dried out and wanting to be all alone. Mister Actually Dead seemed to be just as eager to get away from Roman, anyhow.

“I’ll walk you to your house.” He offered, keeping up the ‘i’m a nice person’ facade.

The walk had been a quiet one as well. And when they reached Virgil’s house, Roman had barely taken a look at it before air kissing Virgil and sprinting away. Soon, he reached one of those yogurt shops from before and decided to get one for himself. The first flavor he chose was ‘job completed’. Oh how satisfying the taste was.

As he sat by himself on a table outside, he saw a person standing up close by, talking to another resident. And then, with the blink of an eye, they disappeared. Roman blinked a couple of times himselff before jolting up and running to the resident.

“Excuse me friend, but what the fork was that?” _Did I just say fork?_

“Oh, you mean the person who I was talking to?” They answered. “That’s Joan. JOAN?!”

“Hello.” The person appeared right behind Roman, making him jump and turn around at the same time. “I am Joan. Your personal informative system. What is it that you would like to know today?”

“Oh, uh…” Roman scratched the back of his head for a moment before leaning in and whispering. “Hey, you know where my house is, right?”

“Yes, I know where every resident of this neighborhood lives.” Joan nodded.

“Good.” Roman did the same. “Then meet me back at my place, kay?”

With a wide smile, Joan replied before disappearing again. “Kay.”

Turning on his heels, Roman smiled at the stranger behind him and bolted off. His house wasn’t too far away but he took extra care to see if anyone was following. He even closed the front door very slowly so it wouldn’t make a loud noise.

“Hello.” Joan greeted, making the human jump yet again.

“Am I going to have to get used to that?!” He yelled, before approaching the… informational system, was it? “Say, Joan… What’s the Bad Place like?”

“I am sorry.” Joan folded their hand in front of their torso. “That is the only topic I am not allowed to discuss with residents. I can, however, play you a brief audio clip of what’s happening down there at the moment. Would you like to hear it?”

“Uh.. sure. Roll it.”

Screams filled the room. The sizzling of fire on the background. Basically and seemingly, actual hell.

Gulping, Roman hugged himself. “Thanks, Joan.”

“You are welcome.” And with that, they were gone.

 

Needing more air, the human found himself outside again. He roamed the houses nearby, noticing how each other them seemed even larger than the ones before.

“Does everyone here have a bigger house than I do?!” He stomped on the ground.

“I think you’re house is actually quite cozy.” Virgil mumbled, close by.

Roman searched at his sides, but found his soulmate behind himself. Then, he laughed and bent his knee a bit. He knew he was tall but compared to Virgil, he felt as what he imagined a skyscraper could feel like in regards of its own size. Proceeding, he smiled nervously.

“Of course it is!” He agreed. “I just used to have bigger places on Earth, I’ll get used to it.”

“Sure thing.” Virgil snickered, sending Roman’s blood into boiling rage.

“Loo-”

“Roman, Virgil!” Leuen’s voice reached them from a couple of feet away. “Hello!”

“Hello!” Roman jumped to his soulmate’s side, linking their arms together.

Virgil didn’t react to this, not that Roman noticed the way the man flinched at the touch. To him, he was just stiff, as always, it seemed.

“Hey, Leuen.” Virgil acknowledge with only his words.

Their guide approached with two other human like figures. He gently pushed the two couples closer.

“Roman, Virgil,” He turned to the men and pointed to the other, “this is Patton and Logan.”

The one named Patton wore a flowery strapped dress, with black converse and a pink legging. Logan, in good contrast, wore a suit, with a tie and everything. Both men wore glasses, Roman figured they might as well be twins and forced the laugh rising up, deep down his throat.

“They are soulmates,” Leuen explained, “And your neighbors, Roman.”

“Wonderful!” The actor plastered on another smile, holding out his free hand for the other two to shake it. Patton was the first one to grab it.

“Nice to meet you, Roman!” The one with freckles spoke. “I can’t wait for us to do all neighborly things, like knocking on each other’s doors asking for sugar or-”

“It is,” Logan pushed his glasses up his nose, pulling his soulmate back, “very nice to meet you, indeed, Roman and Virgil.”

“Of course.” Roman kept on beaming, his muscles cheeks already pleading for rest.

“Can I just say how much I love your house?” Freckles directed at him, hands on his own cheeks. “It’s so tinsy and cute, just like you!”

Only someone that was taller than Roman could call him tinsy. And Patton just so happened to fit the criteria. And then he had the audacity, THE AUDACITY, to boop Roman in the nose. In surprise, he scrunched it up before shaking his head.

“You booped me.” He faked a laugh.

“Logan and Patton are throwing a small welcoming party this afternoon, and they invited the whole neighborhood!” Leuen grinned.

“I love to entertain.” Freckles clapped. “And of course, this means you’re both invited!”

“Oh!” Roman’s eyes widened, as he yelled on the inside.

“Yes, we’d love to have you.” Logan said, without same enthusiasm the words asked for.

“So we’ll see you tonight?” Patton held up his shoulders in expectancy.

“Sure.” Roman smiled, before turning to Virgil. “Right, darling?”

“I’m not really into par-”

“Great!” Leuen clasped his hands together as he laughed and threw his torso back. “I’ll get to see a typical human gathering, how exciting!”

 

Except, Roman thought, there was nothing typical about a fancy party at a giant mansion, with ice sculptures and a quartet string performing by a gorgeous glass stained window. Because that, is what they found themselves having to enjoy. Roman couldn’t have wanted anything more different than this.

“Holy shirt!” He exclaimed. _My whole house could fit inside this room._

“This place is insane…” Virgil nodded, looking around.

“I need a drink.” Roman proclaimed, grabbing the first seemingly alcoholic beverage that showed on the trays being carried by the servers.

It turned out to be champagne. Even the drinks were classy, ugh. But Roman could still get drunk on them.

“Roman, wait-” Virgil stopped him from chugging a second glass by putting a hand between it and Roman’s mouth. “Do you really want to get drunk here?”

“Why, yes.” The man shoved his soulmate’s hand away and proceeded. “Yes, I do.”

“Hello, hello!” Leuen called from the living room, holding his own glass of champagne while everyone around him clapped. “Thank you. You all know I am the architect of this neighborhood. But what I haven’t told you is… this is actually my first project come to life! I have been a mere apprentice for over two hundred years and my boss has finally given me my first solo project.”

At that precise moment, Joan passed by with a tray of shrimps. Roman had his eyes glued to it. He stopped Joan with a hand, held his glass in between his armpit and torso, using the other free hand to grab a few to eat.

“Lemme get more of them shrampies.”

“Roman…” Virgil hissed.

“What?” Roman side shrugged. “These are for everyone, no?”

“Exactly.”

“And you guys,” Leuen pointed at the crowd, “deserve a perfect neighborhood. Because every single one of you is a good person.” The last sentence was said as he lined eyes with Roman, clenching the shrimps in his hands. The man smiled back.

“Now, take the stage, Patton.”

“Bravo, Leuen!” Ha clapped, moving towards the center as the architect exited through the other side. “Quickly, I’d just like to let you guys know that if anyone wants to play tennis tonight, we have many courts available for everyone! Hope everyone has fun!”

“Patton…” Roman let out a snort. “What a condescending bench…”

_WHAT’S WITH ALL THE CENSORING?!_

“Roman…”

“What?” He shrugged. “Am I wrong? He’s so perfect and kind and blah blah blah. He’s gotta be faking it.” He modified his voice for the next phrase. “Oh look at me, I’m Patton and I am more perfect than perfect, I am such a beautiful angel, nobody is better than I am!”

“Roman, I’m taking you home.” Virgil started leading him to the exit.

“No, wait!” He grabbed his soulmates arm, letting the glass fall to the ground. The sound of it breaking startled very few. “I need… I need… another drink!”

“No!” Virgil ran after him as Roman slipped from his grip.

 

“Hello house!” He tripped walking inside, lying on the ledge to his bed. “Oops!” He saw a shrimp lying on the floor as he knelt up. “Shrimp!”

“Did… Did you fill your pockets with shrimp?” Virgil questioned.

“No!” Roman lied, hiccupping after he took a bite. “Yes. Whatever. This is heaven, I’m sure they’ve got plenty more of these!”

His soulmate sent him a deadpan look, following him as Roman went to the bed.

“That Patton is such a butthead, isn’t he?” He commented, lying down. “Oh, hey, I can say butthead!”

“Yea, you can’t really swear here.”

“Really?!” Roman faked a gasp. “I hadn’t even noticed.”

“Alright, I’m out.”

“No, no, nooooooo!” He reached out his hands, just as Virgil started turning away, which made the man sigh and remain in place. “Look… I’m sorry, you had to deal with all of this tonight.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not though.” Roman yawned. “You’re a good person. You are such, a good person, Virgil Riverns.”

“That’s not my name.” Virgil shook his head with eyes closed.

“Virgil Rittie.” Roman tried again.

“It’s Riveras, Roman.” His soulmate shot. “Not that hard to say.”

“Rituals.”

“Riveras.”

“Say that again.”

“Riveras.”

“You just changed it.”

“It’s my name, I didn’t change it.”

“Rivaora. Ri...ta Ora!” Roman punched the air. “Hey, that’s a person, I did it!” He stretched, closing his eyes. “Night, Virge!”

Sighing, Virgil huffed. “Night, Roman.”

 

The next day, Roman woke up with a flash of light to his face. Snoring as he got out of bed, he saw the flashes came from outside. When he opened the blinds, chaos ruled outside. With the lighting storm came angels flying, and giant forks falling and impaling the ground and shrimps! Dancing shrimps! With from Rita Ora just playing at an impossibly loud volume, the whole place had gone through some weird changes overnight.

“Oh boy.” He said to himself before running out.

Seeing it from outside, everything seemed even more… chaotic. Havoc was the word he needed actually, this entire thing was just havoc.

“Roman!” Virgil ran to him, wearing an all blue and yellow striped suit.

“Sheet.” He… intended to curse under his breath.

“What the hell is going on?” His soulmate questioned.

“I-i don’t know.” A half truth.

“Everyone’s wearing this thing.” Virgil looked down at himself. “Except you.”

Roman wore his normal pajamas, a long t-shirt and red shorts.

“Ah fork me!” He shot. “Look, I really don’t know, okay, Virgil? But outside seems dangerous, so I’m just heading back home, see ya!”

Running inside, Roman let his back slide down the door until his butt hit the floor. Then, he remembered.

“Joan?!”

“Yes, Roman?” The robot thingy showed up, wearing the same clothes everyone outside was, in the middle of his living room.

“Uh, question.” He stood up approaching. “Can anyone access my search history?”

“Nope.” Joan shook their head. “Privacy is important in the Good Place. No one can access what you ask me, including Leuen. So what is it that you would like no one to know you asked me for?”

“I need clothes.” He shot. “Like yours and everyone else outside’s. With the stripes.”

“Here.” Joan held his hands up with the fabric.

“Thank you.” Roman replied, turning around.

He guessed, if anyone else saw him without these, someone would find out he was the cause of all the chaos. And if they did, they’d find out he wasn’t meant to be in the Good Place. And then… he’d be sent to the Bad Place.


	3. doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

Everyone had been called to Patton’s house just a few minutes after Roman had gone inside his own. Leuen wanted to have a meeting, talk to the residents and maybe put their minds at ease, if he could. If that was a possible thing to do, Leuen was the guy… or the being? – Roman was still not entire sure what they were – to do it. As for Roman himself? He just thanked himself for remembering to get the clothes from Joan, or else unwanted and disturbing questions would have been raised. He didn’t have answers for those questions.

With Virgil by his side, Roman remained quiet while the others guests had their chitchat. Or he simply tried to. No one seemed to be able to talk about anything other than the havoc from earlier, which… was understandable enough.

“What do you think he’ll be announcing?” Eventually, even Roman spoke, unable to shut down his own curious mind.  
“That the entire place is going to collapse and we have no way out and we’ll all just… be trapped in an endless void forever.” His soulmate shrugged. “Since we can’t really die and all that.”

“Right…” Roman dragged out the first syllable, with eyes wide. “I just adore your negative thinking, sweetie.”

Virgil shot him a look, before rolling his eyes. And then silence fell, but only between them. The chatter around them remained as the two avoided each other’s gaze.

“People!” Claps were heard from a close distance, with Leuen being the one behind them as they moved to the center of the entrance. Residents around started crowding together, eager to hear the architect. “Gather up, please and thank you! Obviously,” Leuen let out a breath, “there is something very wrong with this neighborhood.”

Standing next to his supposed soulmate, Roman scratched his back with a pout on his lips. The guilt for this was going to be hard to deal with…

“We don’t know…” Leuen fidgeted with their striped suit and cape, “what it is, how long it will last or what caused it. So, what do we know, Joan?” He turned to the informational walking human looking system.

“We know where it happened.” They replied, hands behind their back as they smiled. “Here!”

“Well… yes.” Leuen huffed, waving them off. “Thank you, Joan. The chaos happened here. That is the trouble with these… perfect systems. One little flaw and the whole thing comes falling apart.” They picked at the top part of his lips. Suddenly, they put both hands under his arms and took them out, smelling both. “My armpits are leaking,” they turned to Joan, “what’s the name for that again?”

“Sweat.” Joan informed. “I believe you are sweating, Leuen.”

“Right…” The architect whispered. “And what do I do with that again? Do I just lick it?”

“Nope.” Joan handed them a piece of cloth. “You dab it away with this.”

“Right.” Leuen grabbed it and used it, putting it inside their jacket’s pocket. “And what do I do with that after this?”

“Nothing.” Joan replied. “Aside from washing it, because that is going to get stinky.”

“Oooh,” The architect left their mouth hanging open for a while, “makes sense.”

“Leuen!” Patton called in the middle of the crowd, making everyone turn to him. “Look!”

His striped clothes were… shining away in a wavy weak line of light, returning the man to his normal blue t-shirt, grey cardigan wrapped around his neck, and khaki pants. Patton stared down at himself and gave a tiny smile, before looking around and being reminded that the others had no such luck yet.

“Good!” Leuen counted it as victory, however. “That might mean this is almost done!”

“Hopefully.” Virgil groaned at Roman’s side.

“Don’t worry.” The man projected confidence. “I’m sure this will blow over soon.”

If the entire chaos had been caused by what Roman had done at the party, which he was pretty sure to be accurate, this was really so far from over. But he’d be stick his own head inside a bee’s nest before ratting himself out for it.

 

Things started to calm down outside, as Roman paced back and forth inside his lifeless and almost entirely colorless living room. Who designed a place in all whites and creams? Ugh.

“Joan?” The man called out, using his hands at the edges of his mouth as a megaphone.

“You can call me at a normal volume, Roman.” They appeared, right next to him. “It does get to me, either way.”

“Fine but can I get a chalkboard, please?” Roman snapped his fingers.

“Done.” A little bleep sound was made as the requested item showed up behind the human, who turned around to see it.

“Tha-” He was about to turn back when he caught an empty space at the corner of his eyes.

Huh. They weren’t much of a social creature.

What did Roman need a chalkboard for? Brainstorming. Writing down his ideas for not getting caught and blamed for all the weird sheet happening. And he loved chalkboards more than the old regular pencil and paper.

_“Gather around, dorks, we need to come up with ideas for a musical.” Roman called the other actors on stage, a chalkboard standing right next to him. “Obviously, I’m playing the main character.”_

_“Yeah...yeah.” Brian mumbled his up way there._

_“Will you even listen to us?” Brittney followed, with no hint of enthusiasm whatsoever. “I don’t remember the last time you agreed with any of our ideas.”_

_“They all sucked!” Roman shot. “Come on, I know you have brains, how about you actually use them for once?”_

_The crowd of actors stood around him, most with their arms crossed over their chest. All of them had a deadpan look in their eyes, unsurprised by the comment. One even clicked their tongue, rolling their eyes._

_“Have something to say back there, Jay?” Roman pointed in that direction with only his head._

_“This is becoming way too typical for me.” The person snorted, shrugging. “And I’m tired of working with someone like you. So honestly, I’m heading out. I can find another theater company to work with. Anyone would be better than you.”_

_“OhO!” The man snickered, unamused, as Jay stepped down the stage and walked to the exit at the back. “Good luck with that.” He turned to the rest. “Anyone want to go with them? The door is opened, darlings, and I can carry this entire thing on my back, alone.”_

 

“Good evening everyone, let’s get started!” Leuen greeted from the plaza’s center stage. “Things seemed to have calmed down for now. So hopefully, we’ll be up and running in no time! So let me say, welcome to orientation, day two.” They made a sweeping motion to their right and a little screen, with the words **Orientation** and **Day 2** written in green, lit up at their side. “Today, we’ll start with something I know every human has always wanted to do.” The architect let silence fall for a minute to build suspense before talking again. “Flying!”

Everyone clapped, the screen showing a sky with clouds now. Sitting next Virgil, Roman turned to him with his jaw dropped. His soulmate had a grin on his face as well. That was at least one thing they could bond over.

“Now that you’ll dead, let’s live a little, huh?” Leuen joked.

“Uh, I’m sorry, Leuen, can I?” Patton stood up, Logan following the motion. “I was just thinking about the chaos earlier and how much trash it left around the neighborhood, maybe some of us should clean it up. Logan and I certainly will, right?”

Nodding once and firmly, Logan agreed.

“I believe we’ll need more than just two people, however.”

“True!” Patton turned around to face the other residents. “Anyone volunteer? Twelve of you would be just the perfect dozen.” He giggled.

The first hand to shot up in the air was Roman’s. It took him less than a second to come to the conclusion. If he volunteered to clean the mess, who’s think to blame him for it?

“Wonderful!” His neighbor jumped with glee.

“Well, Patton, it’s not really your job to clean, but I guess there’s no harm to be done there.” Leuen pondered, looking back at Joan who nodded, confirming. “If you really want to.”

“Of course I do!” Patton smiled. “It would be my pleasure.”

“What a kind soul.” Leuen returned it. “Those who want to fly, please follow Joan. The cleanup volunteers, go with Patton.”

 

Roman observed yet another resident launch from the pad, jolting up at the sky, from the ground where he was stuck picking up garbage he made rain from above. Maybe he had made the wrong decision. Obviously, the people flying where having a whole lot more sheets and giggles than he was. Huffing at the thought, Roman continued his cleaning.

As he scooped up goo from the ground, someone flew above his head. He looked up, eyes squinting from the sunlight.

“Hey up there.” He put his hand on his forehead. “Having fun? Or is it really… unbelievably boring, actually?”

“Well, I wouldn’t all it fun!” The woman, maybe named Dahlia? Dalilah? Diallah? said. “I’d say it’s like feeling the greatest you’ve ever felt… only better! How’s volunteer garbage pickup?”

Forcing out a laugh, Roman leaned on his scooper tool. “About the same.”

“Great!” She smiled and moved to keep flying, making Roman frown at the sight.

As he moved to other areas, Roman tried to keep his head down. If he didn’t look at the sky and tried really hard to drown out the happy cries of the residents, it was like he could believe everyone was just picking up trash, like he was. Even if he was the only one miserable about it, at least nobody would be having more fun.

But then, giggles came from nearby.

“Oh, hi Toby, Auggie.” Roman greeted two other volunteers, playing basketball with the trash.

“Hey Roman!” Auggie came closer, smiling. “Isn’t this great?”

“Sure is.” Roman pretended to smile. “When I thought of the afterlife, I always pictured myself being an unpaid, non-flying janitor!”

“Us too!” The man laughed, missing the sarcasm.

“You guys are so fun.” Roman shot with an aggressive tone, returning to his pile of trash.

Maybe, when no one else was around and close enough to see, he could throw himself in with all the goo and other disgusting fluids. Melt himself with it, let himself be thrown away and redie somewhere in a ditch inside the Good Place. It seemed way better than enduring whatever the fork this was.

 

Taking a small break from Roman, let’s take a look at Patton and Logan. They cleaned their area, quietly and focused in the work, per Logan’s request. Inside, Patton was dying to talk to his soulmate, plan future days together in the wonderful afterlife and be able to actually create one measly connection with the man. Logan had been so stiff and distance since they had been introduced, Patton was worried they’d never be true soulmates.

“Oh, hey guys!” Leuen took Patton away from those thoughts as they stumbling upon the two.

“Hello, Leuen.” Logan greeted, stopping for a second.

“Hello!” Patton waved, happily. “Cleaning the place has been so gratifying, Leuen. This neighborhood is perfect! We love it!”

“Surely.”

“Ha…” Leuen lost their smile, licking their lips in a nervous gesture. “Thank you, Patton but I highly doubt that. This place is far from perfect. I must’ve done something wrong and now there’s all this chaos happening… Obviously this is my fault and I… I’m afraid I’m not doing so well, as of late. And I must be going now.” They rubbed away a stubborn tear from their left eye. “I’ll see you both later.”

As the architect passed by them, both man watched them walking away, with shoulders down.

“Oh boy.” Patton faced his soulmate. “He is spiraling, that’s not good.”

“Certainly.”

“I know what we should do!” He offered. “Should we say it together? In one, two, three… We should help him!”

Logan remained silent, eyeing Patton in nothing more than annoyance. It made the man gulp, returning to his duty as clean up.

“Well…” He whispered again after a while. “I’m going to help, Lo. You can do what you want.”

This was a rather rocky start for a relationship that was supposed to be about two halves becoming one whole. Was Logan really his soulmate? Patton wanted nothing other than to think that they would be okay.


	4. almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

Roman kept collecting garbage for who knows how long. His knees were about to give out after the fifteen minute mark, ready to let him fall down on the disgusting ground, when his soulmate approached after throwing a big bag inside the trashcan nearby. 

“Why, hello darling!” Roman straightened his posture, trying to make it look like he wasn’t collapsing.

With a cold glare, Virgil stepped closer, shoving his hands inside his pockets. “You can stop with the pet names, Roman.” He shot, sighing. “It’s uncomfortable, forced and you don’t actually want to use them. So just drop it.”

“Whatever,” The other human moved towards him, tripping on his own feet before standing back up, “are you talking about?”

Turning to face Roman, his soulmate dropped his shoulders and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know how you got into the Good Place, Roman, I really don’t. I can see right through your act. And I’m sorry for saying all of this, but I don’t believe we’re soulmates, for one second. I do hope you find yours though. Bye.”

As the spanish man walked away in his high horse, Roman had been staring with his jaw dropped. And then, he proceeded to shout after Virgil.

“I GOT INTO THE GOOD PLACE BECAUSE I AM A GOOD PERSON!” He said. “And I’ll be over here, doing what I do best. Being super considerate and selfless!”

_ “Heyo, guys!” The man stumbled onto the rehearsal, quite literally wobbling his way up the stage. _

_ “Roman…” Brittney hissed out his name from the stage. “Are you drunk?” _

_ “You believe me,” He hiccuped, “be to so unprofessional…” And then gulped, holding in a burp, “as to come to inebriated in rehearsal?!” _

_ “Yes.” The woman shot. _

_ “I AM OUTRAGED!” Roman yelled out, moving his arms around without much coordination. _

_ “You are unbelievable.” Brian huffed, rolling his eyes and going backstage. _

_ “And yush are an dumby biish.” The actor hiccuped once more, falling on the floor. _

_ Silence fell for a minute. And then Roman began singing a sloppy rendition of Piano Man, making the others around him grown and bawl their hands into fists. _

_ “That’s it.” Valerie approached him, pulling him up and helping him down the stairs. “Go home, Roman. Come back when you don’t have God only knows how much alcohol in your blood.” _

_ “I came to act!” The man argued, his legs and arms moving with Valerie’s. “Lemme act!” _

_ “Not right now.” His collegue pushed. “And if you come back again here like this, I’m afraid we’re going to have to kick you out of the company.” _

_ “WHA?!” Roman turned around rapidly, almost falling as he did so. “Yosuh cant kic me outi!” _

_ “Yes we can.” Brittney replied from a far. “It’s up to the majority of us, and you don’t exactly have many friends here, Roman.” _

_ “Yous-”  _

_ “Go home.” Valerie pushed again, opening the front door for him. “Be more considerate if you don’t want to be out of a job.” _

 

“I can’t believe they’ve managed to mix one million flavors together and yet somehow,” Patton shoved a spoon of yogurt into his mouth, “I can taste every single one!”

“Finish eating before talking, Patton.” Logan warned, barely glancing up from his own delicious treat.

“I have no flavor.” Leuen said in a low voice, interrupting, as the three sat outside the shop. “It’s all I deserve, really.”

“Oh no!” Patton watched the man sat his cup down, dropping his spoon on the table. “Of course that’s not true, Leuen.”

“Look,” the architect started, “I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, guys. I do, but you don’t understand. I built this place on my own, the very first neighborhood I got to design. And it is all going down in flames! IIt was my chance to prove myself to my boss but I-” He let out a sigh. “I ruined everything.”

“You did not!” The tall one reached from across the table to hold Leuen’s hands. “You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. It’s why you’re interested in us humans, no? We’re all flawed, every single one, Leuen.”

“It is not the same, Patton.” Leuen shook his head. “If I made one error in my design, if there is only one flaw in the system, if even one blade of grass is a fraction of a degree off,-” Once he stopped moving, he was met with an unfamiliar canine sitting on the street. “The whole neighborhood is compromised- whose dog is that?” He stood up, and while no one replied, Patton followed him. “WHOSE DOG IS THAT?!” The architect approached the animal, pointing at it as he turned to the humans. “See? This is what I meant, guys. This is the mistake I was talking about! Nice try, puppy!” He faced the dog now, throwing one of his legs back to kick it away.

Patton winced at the sound of the puppy’s barking as it flew into the sun. Holding both hands in front of his face, the man tried to keep the tears from coming. Meanwhile, Logan pushed his yogurt away from himself.

“Uh.” Leuen sighed, dropping his shoulders and relaxing his posture. “That was a close one.”

“Bolt?” A resident called, close by, moving towards them. “Has anyone seen Bolt? He’s my dog.”

“Oh.” The architect’s face fell, staring at the man before facing the sun again. “Uh… we might have a problem.”

Someplace nearby, Roman struggled with the trash bags. One ripped itself open at the bottom while he carried it on his back. Pulling it to his front, Roman watched at everything inside it fell to the floor, making a mess.

“Shouldn’t these be magical trash bags?!” He complained, arching his back to attempt and remedy the situation.

“Five more minutes flyers!” Joan yelled from close to the launch pad.

“Oh sheet!” That made the human’s head snap in that direction, watching as the residents flew above head. “No way I’m missing that.”

He proceeded to grab a chunk of trash and dump it inside the closest house. Another chunk went inside someone’s bicycle basket and yet another went under someone’s front door mat. So now he was free to fly!

Buttoning the suit on and with goggles on his head, Roman walked over to Joan with a smile. “Joan!” He singsonged. “I’m all done with clean up duty, and I am all set to fly! How do I start?”

“Perfect.” The informational system smiled, gesturing towards the pad. “Just step on that and think of an image that brings you pure joy. Some people think of their first kiss, or their favorite place. My favorite has been a friend’s Christmas hangout.”

With eyes closed behind the goggles, Roman picture his image inside his mind. There was an audience, everyone stood and clapped. Those were all for him and only him.

“Fame.” He whispered and felt his feet floating, laughing. “It’s working!” Or it was, until something fell on his head, making him drop down. “What the fork?!”

As he looked around, Roman took of the glasses to see a rain of trash all around the neighborhood. There was even a dark cloud seeping its way into the otherwise perfectly blue sky. Something told him that was his fault but he wanted confirmation. 

“Joan?” He called, hearing the sound of things crashing onto the floor. “Any chance this is a scheduled garbage rain?”

The system looked at him and shook their head, shrugging. Well, damn. 

“So, here is the situation, Dominic.” Leuen scratched his forehead, talking to the man whose dog he’d just kicked with enough power to sent it flying right into the sun.

Patton stood nearby, watching the scene unfold, ready to help with anything needed. He waited for Leuen to continue.

“I sorta of… kick Bolt and he may or may have not, flew into the sun.” 

“What?!” Dominic shouted, eyes wide.

“BUT!” The architect pulled up the canine, handing it to its owner. “I got it back! And everything, seems to be in place.”

“Bolt, oh my god…” The resident reached for the animal, hugging them.

“Everyone,” Leuen addressed the crowd of people around them, “that is merely the construct of a dog. It feels no pain, or joy… or love.”

“Bolt doesn’t love me?” Dominic questioned.

“No, wait, of course it does.” The architect sweated once again, gulping. “Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more? Cause I can kick this one again and get a brand new one.”

“What is wrong with you?!” The resident held his canine away from Leuen, walking past them.

“Oh, oh, boy.” Leuen arched his back, holding his weight on his legs and knees. “I’m only making things worse and worse and worse-”

“Hey, no, no-” Patton reached for him, with a hand on the architect’s back. “Breathe. Breathe, Leuen. Can you breathe, is it something you are physically capable of doing? If you so, then just breathe. I’m sure everything is going to be just fi-”

And that’s when the garbage rain hit them. A paper bag filled with tissues fell in front of them, making Logan squinted up at the dark cloud as he held a hand over his own glasses.

“It seems as though trash is falling out of the sky.” He commented. “Huh…”

“RUN!” Dominic shouted, doing just as he had instructed, and everyone around followed the lead.

Leuen, however, was stuck having to dodge all the objects, hardly getting out of his previous spot at all. Oh how was everything going to waste so quickly…

Running not too far from there, Roman struggled to keep himself from falling down along with the trash by using his hands outreached, to balance his body, as he avoided the pieces that fell from above him. No time had passed before he was bumped into his supposed soulmate again.

“Virgil,” he blinked rapidly, stepping back, “hi!” He forced a smile.

“Did you have something to do with this?” The man inquired with suspicious eyes.

“What?!” Roman’s voice came out high pitched. “How would this be my fault?”

“I don’t know.” Virgil admitted. “It’s just a gut feeling.”

“Well it is wrong!” The actor gulped. “Dead wrong, alright!”

“Alright, dude, calm down.” His soulmate pouted. “I’m sorry for accusing you.”   
“Yes w-”

A loud noise caught their attention. Both men saw the giant trash can that had fallen down on Auggie and Toby, residents who had been cleaning the area nearby.

“Oh my gods-”

“Are they okay?!” Virgil moved towards them as they jumped up from the sea of garbage, seemingly unharmed.

“We’re okay!” Toby announced, as Roman sighed in relief.

“We can’t die here.” Auggie shrugged.

“Maybe you could…” The english lad hissed to himself.

Virgil leaned closer. “What was that?”

“I said- Chim chim cheroo!” Roman yelled out, waving as he continued his walk. “I must find Leuen, see you in a jiffy!”

“Oh I don’t know what is happening to me…” Leuen lamented on Patton’s couch as the host rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him. “I mean, it’s my job to be calm and in control, but I am freaking out!”

“No, Leuen…” Patton shifted on his seat, facing the architect. “Look, you’re a paragon of strength, things just happen to be… a little bit off, lately.”

“Hardly!” Leuen snickered, holding his head between his hands. “I am a canion… full of poop!”

“That is highly untrue.” Logan weighed in from the chair from across the room.

“You know what I meant!”

“I truly… do not.” He stood up, making his way towards the architect. “Is it really the end of the world if your design has a couple of flaws in it? You are not perfect, Leuen, even if you are not human as us. You must stand up and carry on, fixing what you can, the way you know how.”

“But-”

“Listen to Logan, Leuen.” Patton put a hand over the architect’s heart. “You have that strength inside you.”

“Right…” Leuen gulped. “Right!” He stood up, with a new found determination. Then, with a smile plastered onto his face, he turned to Logan before moving to Patton. “Thank you both!”

Laughing, the architect left the house.

“Oh my-” Patton clapped in his seat. “We did it, Lo!”

“Yes.” His soulmate adjusted his own glasses on his face. “It seems so.”

And with that, he too was gone, leaving Patton to have his smile turn into a frown. Why was the man so hard to connect with?

 

_ Huffing outside, Roman stared at the front door. He was fully sober, capable of doing his job, but damn if he wanted to be at that precise moment. Him, be more considerate? They really cared about that? Roman brought in good money, that was the important part. And without him, the company would fall apart for sure. _

_ With a sigh, Roman pushed the door open and stepped inside. _

_ “Hello, losers.” He said, without his usual enthusiasm. _

_ But it would’ve been deflated anyhow, with the sight of an almost empty stage. Only Valerie stood up there. _

_ “Where the hell is everyone?!” Roman demanded. “Am I the only professional here?! Where are all the losers?” _

_ “They left, Roman.” Valerie came down the steps, meeting him halfway. “Joined Jay in the other theatre company.” _

_ “whAT?” _

_ “You are a nightmare to work with.” She continued. “And that’s putting it lightly. I tried to get some of them to stay, I’d hate to see this place die. But they were done, Roman. And I’m very close to being there myself. Plus, we can’t carry one with an entire company alone.” _

_ “Of course we can!” Roman pushed. “I can carry it alone, if I have to!” _

_ “Then do that.” Valerie dropped her shoulders, moving past him. “Because now… I am officially done.” _

The human was awoken by the nightmare, in form of an old memory. Did he really have to die to realize that he had been a shitty person while he was alive? Why, yes, yes he did.

It was dark outside,actually the middle of the night as his watch showed, when Roman changed from his pajamas into casual wear. After that, he stepped outside and started got to working. Going everywhere he’d dumped trash earlier, Roman was cleaning the neighborhood on his own, and not to keep suspicions off himself. Otherwise he would not be able to sleep soundly. 

“Roman?” Virgil’s voice reached him at some point during his night escapade.

“Virgil?!” He was startled by it, dropping the bags he held on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” His soulmate questioned, staring down at the trash.

Staying in silence for a minute, Roman pulled his head back and pursed his lips into a thin line. “Nothing. You?”

“Nothing?” Virgil huffed. “You’re cleaning up. And-” He pointed at a small apartment a few inches to the man’s left. “That’s where I live, by the way.”

“Oh… And maybe.” Roman shot. “What do you care?”

“Hm, because it makes you seem a little bit better than I had pegged you for.” The spanish one shrugged. “Did you clean everything?”

“Yes.” Roman bit the inside of his lips. 

“Huh…” Virgil grinned.

“What?!” 

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “Nothing at all.”

“Hi there.” Joan appeared right behind the man, holding a big bag. “I found the worst smelling garbage in the entire neighborhood. Do you still want me to dump it in Patton’s house?”

As he turned to face the system, Roman put a hand over their mouth. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, whatever bloody hell are you talking about? I did not tell you do that.”

“Uh?” Virgil arched his eyebrows at him.

“I promise you I am better than this.” Roman shot him a guilty smile, putting his back to face Joan.

“Riight.” His soulmate dragged out the first syllable, walking away.

“I AM!” The english one yelled after Virgil, without stopping to think why he cared about what the other man thought.

“So, what do I do with this then?” Joan elevated the bag, pointing at it.

“I DON’T KNOW, JOAN,” Roman stomped his feet, “dig a hole in the ground and push it in!”

“Okay.” The system blink away.

“wAIT, NO- JOAN, DON’T-”

Now it was morning. Roman had had little sleep the night before, which caused him to grab coffee from one of the stores outside for himself and Virgil - as a little thank you gift, he supposed - so nobody would come knocking at his door and wake him up early anyhow. On his way out, holding both cups, he was met with Leuen.

“Oh, hi!” He waved with the coffee in hand at the architect.

“Good morning, Roman.” Leuen smiled at him.

“Do you know what the best part about his place is?” The human asked, holding one of the cups slightly downward. “You managed to find a way to make a to-go cup that doesn’t leak where the seam means the lid!”

“Oh, I am so glad you noticed.” Leuen held onto his cape, blushing. “It was one of the hardest problems I had to deal with.” Then, his demeanor turned calm and slightly threatening. “Now, Roman, I know what you did.”

And that’s when Roman’s heart felt like it could run out of his chest.

“Cleaning up the entire neighborhood by yourself!” The architect laughed in joy, throwing his back back as he clapped. “I knew you were special but this was definitive proof.”

“Oh well,” Roman beamed, “I was simply just doing my part.” with a shrug. “And you know… since I’m so special- your words, not mine- you know I did not get to fly yesterday…”

“Ah that’s a pity.” Leuen scrunched up his nose. “But I had to ban flying, you know. A lot of people got hurt. One resident hit a rotting turkey carcase at a thousand miles an hour. She exploded in this ball of fire… It became too unsafe…” He lost 

himself into the speech for a moment, before returning his attention to Roman. “ANYWAY, enjoy your coffee. And the cup!”

Arriving home, after leaving Virgil’s coffee at the entrance of his house, Roman threw himself onto his sofa and let himself melt into to it. Taking sips of his coffee, he felt so relaxed… until he noticed a small note slipping under his door. That made him jolt up, setting his cup on the table, to go read it.

**I know your secret -P**

Vague, and threatening, Roman got scared. Opening the front door, he stepped out and see if anyone was nearby. The space was completely empty of people.

“Sheet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i edited this shit at 3 am after crying for 15 minutes, y'all better appreciate it


	5. Patton Reyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

Well, there was only one person in the neighborhood whose their name started with a P, wasn’t there? Hm, Roman hadn’t met all 321 residents yet though. Maybe there was a Pavita out there, or a Peyton. Even a Parker. But Patton certainly did seem the type to make such a threat! All the sweetness and kindess was a see-through facade. It was a thin vail that Roman needed to take off. He had to do something before the man babbled and got him sent to the Bad Place. Just what could he do about it? He'd be caught without make up at social events before letting Mr. Nicest Person In The World get him sent to literal hell.

As he dived deep in his thoughts, a knock sounded on his door. Huffing in frustration, Roman walked over to it and saw the culprit himself standing outside. Patton held a vase with flowers, smiling at him.

“Hello neighbor!” He greeted. “May I come in?”

“Of course.” Roman stepped aside, forcing a smile back at him, thinking that he might as well try and figure out the man’s game.

“I just came by to give you this.” Patton held the vase up. “You know, as a housewarming gift!”

_ We got here at the exact same time. _

“It’s lovely.” Roman grabbed it from his guest, setting it down on the main table. “Was that all?”

“Not exactly, I was just wondering if you-”

“Aw, I’m so sorry, padre.” He pouted. “But I’m really very busy right now, I don’t believe I have time to even agree to whatever your offer was.”

“Seriously?” Patton’s shoulder’s dropped as he frowned. “That such a pity. But we really should get together some time!”

“Of course.” Roman held the front door open. “Now, if you don’t mind-”

“Yes, I’m sorry.” The man stepped outside. “Please do come by la-”

“Bye bye!” 

Shutting the door, Roman rolled his eyes and distanced himself from it. He stared down at the plant Patton had brought him and scoffed at it. There was hardly anything impressive about the gift, it was merely a plant that honestly seemed like it was in need of immensive care.

“Want to brag how you’re a better gardner than I am, I bet.” He commented, giving said plant his back. “I’m just not setting this one fire cause I’m environment friendly.”

 

Outside a cafe on the other side of the neighborhood, Virgil sat at the tables with a book open on his lap and earphones on his ears. His music was loud, so as to not give people the idea that he was opened to conversation. Regardless, he didn't get much time to himself before approached Leuen, followed by Joan. Virgil only took notice of this because the architect put a hand on his back, while making their way towards the other end of the table the human sat on.

“Leuen, hi…” Virgil took one of the earplugs off, cursing the timing.

“No yogurt today?”

“Oh I’m-” He scratched the side of his eyebrow. “I’m not a big fan, either way.”

“No worries.” Leuen sat down with their usual gentle smile.

“Hey, Joan.”

“Hey, Virgil!”  They replied, smiling as they sneaked a peek of Virgil’s book. “Working hard or hardly working pal? Hump day!”

“Uh…” The human furrowed his eyebrows, staring at Leuen. “What?”

“Sorry about that.” The architect arranged their cape so it layed on the chair, not letting it lay on the dirty floor. “I am trying to use Joan as my assistant for the time being but they are a little stiff, so I am trying to get them to be a little bit more casual and talkative.”

“I’ll have,” Joan put both their arms on their hips, “what he’s having!”

With a nervous smirk, Leuen waved them off. “It’s a work… in progress. Listen, Virgil,” They made a gesture, asking for the human to pull out the other earplug, “I’ve been studying your file. And you are such an interesting case. You, essentially, only did one thing on earth. Study arts, make art.”

“Well yeah.” Virgil shrugged, not seeing the problem Leuen was trying to get at.

“I think… you should live different adventures.” The architect concluded. “You know, do things you never got to do on Earth. What do you say, buddy?”

“I-”

“Why don’t we meet tomorrow, and try out some new hobbies for you?”

“Leuen, I-”

“Perfect!” The architect stood up, clasping their hands together. “Tomorrow, first thing in the morning! Also,” They put a finger on their lips before talking again, “I think you and Roman aren’t bonding as much as soulmates should. How about you move in together?”

“You- What?!” Virgil blinked several times.

“I’ll arrange for that tomorrow while we go hobby hunting.” Leuen smiled, leaning down and closer to the human. “All for love, right? See you tomorrow!”

 

Standing outside Patton’s massive and beautifully decorated living room, Roman knocked on closed doors. Who lived in a place where their living room was closed off?! Rich snobs, that's who, exactly like Patton. 

“Roman, hi!” The man appeared on the other side.

“Hello, Patton.” Roman waved, trying to appear friendly.

“Logan, look, Roman’s here!” Patton stepped aside, revealing his soulmate reading by the corner, concentrated.

Roman pointed when the third man ignored. “Can he even hear us?”

“You know what?” His host shrugged, giggling. “I can’t really tell.”

“Anyhow,” The english one turned his back to the reading robot, facing Patton, “I came by to return the lovely favor you gave me this morning.” He pulled up a basket full of fruits. “With this.”

“Oh!” The man put a hand over his own heart, grabbing the basket. “That is wonderful, Roman. Thank you. I love fruits. I’m sure… Logan likes them as well.”

“Sure.”

“But, please, do sit down!” He gestured towards the couch as he sat down on his own chair. “We haven’t even had the chance to discuss the chaos yet! It was all so confusing, don’t you think?”

“Why, yes.” Roman nodded, following the lead. “So messed up. What do you think is causing it?”

“Oh, I don’t know. But we’ll remain alert!” Patton held a finger up, resting his elbow on his knee. “Tomorrow morning, I was thinking of visiting everyone to see how they’re holding up, and what I can do to help them. I think that’s the secret of a good community, you know? Just, showing you care.”

At the word ‘secret’, Roman squinted his eyes and hinged his jaw. “Yes, you are so right, Patton. And here’s an idea, why don’t I come with you?” Patton straightened his posture hearing this, interested. “I’d love to do my part and just- help everyone else! Not to mention, have some bonding time with you, lovely pal.”

“That’s perfect, Roman!” The host clapped. “I can’t wait for it.”

“Me,” English huffed, forcing the smile to stay, “neither.”

 

At home, Roman passed around his living room. Going with Patton to check on the people in the Good Place would give him an excuse to get all the dirty on the man. Want to destroy your enemy? Befriend them and use their trust against them. Roman always did like playing the betrayer backstabber part on stage. Now he would just be himself while doing it!

“Patton is a two faced lying bench and I shall prove it!” He mumbled to himself lying on the couch with a glass of wine. 

Right that second, the flowers that the culprit had brought over caught on fire. Roman watched as the petals crumbled, shrunk and fell off the plant. He guessed that was just another way his negative actions affected the world around him. But this time, he did not care. Because Patton was evil, probably worse than he was, and he would be the one to unmask the devil in disguise.

“Your plant will go down in all the flames, buddy.” Roman chuckled, turning the glass of wine down his throat and drinking every last drop before setting the glass down on the center table. “Just like you.”

At that, the plant just straight up became grey and limp, as it wept. The flowers literally wept. Roman simply laughed at the sight, and this was following by him rolling back his eyes.

“Joan?” He called after a few second.

“Yes?” They appeared by the left side of the table, making Roman stand up.

“I don’t suppose I could ask you for a little bit of information on Patton?” The man arched his eyebrows and leaned in, expecting the answer he wanted to hear.

“You don't suppose correctly.” Joan pointed. “The residents files are all confidential, Roman, only Leuen has access to them.”

“Dang it.” Roman cursed, huffing as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh well, at least I have tried. Thank you, Joan.”

“You are welcome.”

 

The next morning, Roman walked through the bridge with Patton. The filipino man held a basket of cupcakes, justifying this by saying he planned to give one to every resident. How did he manage to become even more pendering? Roman believe it was becoming ridiculous. Trying to please people so hard so they'll love you way too much when you show your true colors, thought... he had to admit that was a bit clever.

“So, like I said before, all I really want to do today is check on everybody.” Patton recapitulated as they moved. “Bring some cheer to these lovely people.”

“Cool.” Roman agreed. “So, Patton, tell me more about yourself. The good, the bad, the dirty, the humiliating, just put it all out there, padre!”

“Oh well,” Patton hummed, “I was born in the Philippines, but spent most of my life studying in Canada. I was a therapist and I dedicated some time to research on treating mental illness and I also organized a few fundraisers for research of diseases like cancer and etc…”

“Noice, friend.” Roman proded. “So did you ever skim a little bit off the top for yourself?”

“NO!” Patton gasped, stopping. “Of course not! Every penny was account for, I promise.”

“Of course they were.” Roman forced a smile.

_ “Hey babe.” Roman opened the front door by pushing it with his hips, seeing as he held two cups of hot coffee in his hands. “I brought you something.” _

_ “Oh, thanks!” Emile, his boyfriend who was sitting on the couch with a laptop on his lap, outreached his hands to grab the second cup. “How was your day?” _

_ “Fine, I guess.” Roman shrugged, sitting on the couch. “What you watching?” _

_ “Oh, a youtube video, someone exposing a youtuber for sexual assault.” Emile pushed the computer onto the table. “It wasn’t pretty.” _

_ "Wait a like this one!" _

_ "Aw, that's such a pity. I'm sorry, Ro." _

_ "What do you mean?" _

_ "Well, we can't support people who abuse others like that." _

_ “Oh so now you’re the better person because you don’t support a youtuber who assaults people?” Roman shot, standing up. _

_ “Ro, what-” _

_ “Look man, I’ll support whoever the fuck I want, alright?” He huffed, walking away. “You’re not better than me.” _

_ “Roman-” _

_ “I’m going out.” _

 

“This is the perfect hobby for you, Virgil.” Leuen introduced the human to the sight.

Up at a stage, with a projector behind showing slide behind them, Leuen stood in front of an auditorium. Sort of a TedTalks kind of thing.

“You really think that? The human clicked his tongue. “I’m not much of a public speaker.”

“I know, I know but look-” The architect helped him on the platform. “This is the afterlife! You can do anything here, bud.”

“I guess but still-” Virgil scratched his forehead. “I know this isn’t for me.”

“You should just try!” Leuen handed him a microphone which had been handed to them by Joan. “Go on.”

“I really don’t want to.” Virgil pushed the man’s hand away.

Sighing, Leuen dropped their shoulder. “I’m trying to help you here, Virgil.”

“Fun fact!” Joan popped in between them. “There are two types of microphones;  the condenser which is for studio recording and radio and the dynamic which is for live performances and speaking!”

“Uh…” Virgil stated at the informational system.

“Try new things, Virgil!” Leuen pulled them back so they could talk to Spanish. “Get out of your comfort zone.”

“Maybe with something else.”

“Like ?” 

“I don’t know…” Virgil shrugged. “All I can think about is art related.”

“Fun fact!” Joan interrupted again. “Art dates back to the prehistoric periods, with cave painting!”

“What is so great about art, to you, Virgil?” Leuen prompted, ignoring them.

“It’s calming, in some ways.” The human stuffed his hands into his pockets as his shoulders went up. “I get to create things, mold them my way. I have all the control.”

Humming, the architect squinted his eyes at Virgil. “That gives me an idea. But you need to work with me, Virgil, I need you to become a trailblazer!”

“Fun fact!” Joan invaded once more. “All deceased members of the Portland trailblazers basketball team are in the Bad Place!”

“I’m sorry about that,” Leuen finally addressed the issue, “I was steering Joan away from colloquialism and into fun facts and trivia. I thought it would fit them better.”

“Fun fact, colloquialism comes from the Latin word colloquium meaning "conference, conversation," or literally "a speaking together."”

“Yes, yes, thank you, Joan.” They waved the system off.

“Fun fact! Joan is me.” They pointed to themselves.

At that point, Virgil had been eying whoever spoke at the present time. When the last sentence Joan said made the architect stop to breathe in, he stared, confused and feeling useless in a situation that seemed to be stressing Leuen out. Instead of trying and failing to make them feel better, Virgil waited for them to continue.

“We know, Joan.” Leuen finally sighed before turning to Virgil. “Let’s walk back into town, shall we?”


	6. change of heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

“Auggie, we just came to see if you were alright.” Patton said in his sweet voice, as the three of them found themselves at the back part his house.

Obviously, it was bigger than Roman’s. And that back part? Was an entire garden, with the most perfect outdoor furniture. Roman gripped his chair’s arms rests in an attempt to stop himself from stealing the entire place.

“Patton, you are so sweet!” Auggies proclaimed, facing Roman. “Isn’t he just so sweet?”

“Oh yes.” The third one firmly nodded. “This neighborhood is full of people with large houses and people who love Patton!”

They laughed at this, even though Roman hadn’t meant it as a joke. Somewhere else, at Kenny’s house, they met the man in a place that seemed to be neither indoors or outdoors. It was a weird combination of both, with a ceiling but no walls, and indoor furniture but no windows. Still, Roman felt weirdly exposed in that position.

“Roman and I just wanted to know if we can do anything to help.” Patton offered.

“Oh no, you are too kind.” Kenny smiled. “The chaos from earlier was certainly hard to deal with but I am much better now.”

“I am so glad to hear that, Kenny.” Patton returned it, diving inside his basket to grab a cupcake. “Here, take one.”

“Oh.” Roman took one as well. “They look a bit burned.” He frowned before taking a bite. “But… of course, they are not.” He chewed. “Fork me, these are good.”

 

“How about this?” Leuen had Virgil sitting behind a desk, staring down at a newspaper.

The man read the words  **Virgil Riveras to assume position of editor-in-chief** as the headline.

“I believe that this is the perfect hobby for you!” The architect waved around in excitement. “Journalism!”

“Uh…” Virgil folded the newspaper and set it down on the desk. “I do like… writing but the deadlines- ugh… those freak me out.”

“Yes, I know.” Leuen giggled slightly. “You had problems meeting nearly every deadline for school.” They clapped their hands tightly together before sighing. “Look, Virgil, I am just trying to find you a good hobby. One that will bring you a positive experience.”

While he spoke, Joan set a hat on top of Virgil’s head. He furrowed his eyebrows, side glancing at them.

“What do you say?” Leuen questioned.

“I’m loving that hat on you.” Joan leaned on the arm chair. “It would look even better on my floor.”

“Uh, what the hell’s going on now?” Virgil’s eyes shifted between them both.

“I suggested,”The architect put his fingers on the bridge of his nose, shaking his head down, “they’d be friendly. They seemed…” They lifted their head up, sighing. “They seemed to have slipped right into overt sexuality.”

“I got something you can slip into to…” Joan bent over Virgil, who pull away.

“Joan, no!” Leuen called, making the… information system stand up and walk back to them. “No, Joan!”

 

In Patton’s house, Roman was having a lovely tea party with the host. If by lovely, he meant devastatingly boring and annoying.

“Logan, love, would you like some tea?” Patton questioned his soulmate who sat close, reading a book. Yet again.

The man simply nodded and walked away. Damn, that was cold even for Roman.

“That nod meant… no, apparently.” Patton forced out a smile, staring at his guest.

“Well,” Roman untangled his legs and rest his elbows on his leg, while his fists supported his head, “it was nice going out and meeting all of our wonderful neighbors. Wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes it was, cutey pants!” The host giggled, booping his nose. “I should be going now, Roman, I’m feeling tired and I don’t like sleeping late. But I’ll se-” As Roman began standing up, Patton put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh no-nono, please, stay and enjoy the tea! I’ll see you soon.”

With a smile and giving yet another boop to the nose, Patton disappeared into the gorgeous hallway as Roman sat back down. But as soon as the he-devil was out of sight, and idea came to mind. If he could find anything with dirt on Patton, he could probably connect the note to him, he’d have evidence! And so the search began.

He found nothing in the vases, the shelves or the couch. When he did find something, it was inside a drawer on the hallway, where there was a painting hung over it. Roman got his hands on a notebook, something with the words  **Diary of Patton Reyes** inscripted on the cover. That was all he needed. 

Roman smirked down at it, before putting it under his shirt. “Jackpot.” 

 

“How about this?” Leuen pointed both their hands at a ceramic plate, with a block of clay on top of it. “It’s still very artistic!”

“Ah…” Virgil gulped, staring down at the pedal and biting his own lips. “Right. These materials look a bit dangerous though.”

“Oh don’t be a baby!” Joan pushed their hand into a bowl full of wet cement. “Here, let me cement your mouth shut.”

“Ehhh?” The human, wide eyed, turned to Leuen. 

The architect waved it off. “I’m sorry, I told them to be less flirty and they just got… cold and distant apparently.”

“How…” Virgil sighed in defeat. “Not complicated.”

“Well, yes, but I’ll figure it out.” Leuen replied. “But Virgil, what do you think of this?”

With his head cocking to the side, Virgil took a deep breath. “I-I’m not sure, Leuen. I think I just want to focus on my art, really. You know I was writing that book on-”

In response, the architect sighed, shaking their head. “Virgil, your book-“

“It was a confusing mess, dude.” Joan dropped the manuscript on his arms. 

“Hey!”

“They’re right, Virgil.” The architect. “You kept revising and rewriting and adding more words… you never actually finished a thought! The conclusions seem to come out of nowhere, I-“ They leaned in. “I can read the entirety of the world’s literature in under an hour, Virgil. It took me two weeks to get through your book.”

“Oh no.” The human’s face fell along with his shoulders.

“Yes… I’m afraid.” Leuen pouted. “Maybe you should focus on something else.”

Virgil blinked, his mind stuck in a precise thought that swirled around in his head.  **My life’s work… is garbage.** He was paralyzed, unmoving. Even when Leuen waved a hand in front of him and tried to shake him by the shoulders, he remained frozen.

“Oh boy.” The architect mumbled to himself as Joan examined the human. “I think I broke him.”

 

Later that day, Roman found himself home. Or well… the place he was supposed to call home. And he was so lost in thought, formulating a plan to expose Patton for the dirty little liar that he was, that he almost missed the stack of suitcases piled up in the corner. Those weren’t his and he definitely did not put them there.

“Ah!” Leuen entered the place, holding their own hands before reaching out to Roman. “You’re here, that is great! I might’ve forgotten to mention I changed your… housing arrangement a little bit. From now on, you’ll be living with your soulmate! Those,” They pointed to the suitcases, “are his things there.”

“Virgil-” The human gulped, trying to force a smile. “Virgil will be living with me now, is it?”

“Yes, you see…” Leuen took the couch. “I’m afraid you haven’t been bonding as well as you should.”

“So this was your solution?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, where is my darling?”

“Ah yes, well, we had a… a bit of a tiny tinsy problem. I’m afraid I might have broken him.”

“What do you mean?”

“See for yourself,” the architect turned towards the open front door. “JOAN! You can bring him in now.”

As the… Joan came closer, he brought Virgil with him and the sound of the spanish man mumbling spanish words became slightly louder. They directed Virgil to the couch and helped him sitting down.

“I thought the good place translated the language? Why can’t I understand a single thing he says now?” 

“I believe… Virgil is in such a… disruptive state, with so many unorganized and uh… complex thoughts that the translation is just not working at this time.”

“Cool, cool, cool, cool- but WHAT EVEN HAPPENED?!”

Leuen flinched. “I was trying to get him to try other hobbies, because his… Virgil tried to write this book when he was alive about art, but he failed, miserably. And now that he knows he failed-”

“He feels it was all for nothing.” Roman finished the sentence, unaware that he did so.

“Precisely.”

“So what now, you thought you could just dump him in here so I’d fix him?”

“No! No, no, no, not at all!” The architect closed on of their eyes while he held his chin. “I had a bit of hope, however.”

“What?! I don’t know what to do, I cannot fix him! Plus, we’re humans, there is no such things as fixing us, Leuen, we’re not broken objects!”

“I-I know, Roman, I do. But as the… leader of this entire neighborhood, I can’t afford to use all my time and resources on one particular resident. You understand that, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t.” Roman crossed his arms over his chest. “You are the one who broke him and I’m supposed to undo your mess? How’s that fair?”

“It’s not.” Leuen stood up and held him by the shoulders. “I am so sorry, Roman. I would not be doing this if I thought it was too much for you to handle.”

The human snickered. “You have a funny perception for that sort of thing.”

“I’m sure you’ll do great. Now, I must deal… with a small design crisis. I’ll see you both tomorrow!”

 

_ “We have a problem.” _

_ Roman had marched into the director’s office. The theater company could survive with only one actor for a few weeks, couldn’t it? But Roman still had to communicate the issue to his superior. _

_ “The fact that you’re the only actor left? Yes,” The woman looked up at him with only her eyes, “I can see that.” _

_ “I can work on plays to attract more for the next few weeks, we won’t be just us for too long!” _

_ “Roman, you do not work well with others.” She said. “I’ve seen it, and I had been willing to overlook it because you brought us an audience. However, I doubt even the most loyal of your fans will sit through so many plays of you and you alone and if you think otherwise, you have way too much confidence on yourself.” _

_ “What- What are you saying?” _

_ “I am saying, that the company is done for.” The woman sighed, standing up from behind her desk. “Go home, Roman.” _

_ “But- you can’t do this! This is my life, it’s my reason for existing, I can-” _

_ “You can’t. As I can’t spend all my time and resources on only one actor.” She insisted. “I won’t say it a third time, Roman. Just go home.” _

 

“Hey, Virge.”

Calling the man’s name did nothing, he was still trapped in the absolute haze and chaos that was his own mind. Roman’s voice seemed so far away, it might as well have been coming from a distant planet. 

“I’m gonna confess something to you. And I hope you’re listening cause I am not repeating it!”

Roman waited. Then there was the sound of a sighed and the man was kneeling in front of Virgil.

“Good people make me feel insecure. You might’ve… not… been… completely wrong when you said I didn’t belong here. But, to all the gods, I am trying! Everyone here is better than me, I see that with clarity! It doesn’t make me want to go be torture for eternity though. And uh… I might know a thing or two about what you’re going through but lemme tell you!” He stands up, and starts pacing around. “Who cares what an all knowing- whatever Leuen is- thinks is good or not, they’re not human! They cannot judge human work by human standards. You wrote a giant book, it may not have been excellent but I used to get bored sending text messages to my mates. You should be bloody proud, that’s what you should be. And uh… if you’ll excuse me, I have something I need to return to Patton. See you in a jiffy!”

All the words took a moment to penetrate Virgil’s mind and for him to even process everything that had just been said to him. Nobody had ever thought to tell him to be proud for accomplishing something that wasn’t what he had envisioned or that wasn’t what other people expected of him. And it was so nice to hear it.

“Roma-”

When he called after the man, he realized Roman had already left. Oh well, now they would be living together. Virgil had all the time in the world to say thank you.

 

At Patton’s mansion, Roman sneaked around until he found the drawer from where he had taken the diary from. Midway through his speech to Virgil, he realized he needed to be better. Even if just to avoid getting himself sent to literal hell. And just as he was about to leave, he heard cries coming from the other room. He was pretty sure they came from Patton himself. He went to check.

The man was curled up in the couch, his face buried in a pillow. Roman sighed at the sight and knocked.

“Oh, Roman!” Patton quickly dried his tears. “I didn’t realize you were here.”

“Ah yes, I’m sorry. Just came by to check on you. Are you okay, love?”

“Me? Oh, yes, nothing to worry about.”

“Doesn’t seem that way. Do you want- want to talk about it?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Roman gulped. “Nope.”

“It’s… It’s Logan. I can’t- I can’t connect with him. He doesn’t seem to like me very much and I- we’re supposed to be soulmates, right? I just wish he would talk to me. Do you know what it feels like to be in paradise and still feel like there’s just something wrong?!”

“Well… I do actually. But nevermind that, Patton, you deserve to be happy. And if things aren’t working out with Logan now, don’t worry. You have literally all the time in the world to fix that. You belong here and you belong with each other. But… you know, humans, we’re complicated. It just make take a little while, that’s all.”

“Oh Roman…” A few more tears escape from Patton’s eyes as he himself leaned closer. “I really needed to hear that, thank you so much!”

**Ugh… of course his hugs are amazing.**

 

Next day, Roman left the house before Virgil woke up. He figured if the man was good enough for sleeping, something he had said to him last night worked, right? Or he had pulled himself out of the panicked trense and that had nothing to do with him. Either way, it was a win!

Roman grabbed a yogurt - the flavor he chose was sleeping in late, it tasted marvelously - and took a seat by a pond nearby. His only company were the ducks and he liked it that way, seemed quite. He needed the quiet for a little bit. And it would’ve lasted longer if Patton hadn’t seen him, along with Leuen and Joan.

“Roman, hi! How are you?”

“Never better.” He smiled. “What about you, kids? What did you come for me for?”

“Well, Joan had been acting as my assistance these last few days but Joans aren’t built for that, didn’t go so well.” Leuen started.

“But now i’m back to normal. Turns out, the best Joan, was the Joan that was inside Joan, all along!”

Roman snickered and questioned the architect with a look. “They were feeling a little lost so I gave them one of those… self help books to restore their confidence.”

“Now I’m living my truth and creating my bliss.” Joan smiled politely. 

They all nodded.

“Well, look,” Patton turned to Roman, “Leuen had asked me if I wanted to take that position of their assistant, but I would quite like to focus on my relationship with Logan so I recommended you for the job!”.

“Roman, you and I could work side by side to figure out what’s wrong with this neighborhood. Will you help me?”

He half whispered his forced response. “How could I say no?!”

Patton clapped his hands and cheered like a child as Joan started giving him tons of information Roman was supposed to remember on his own. That was going to be such, an easy, job, wasn’t it?

 

Back at home, with Virgil still snoring himself into sleep, Roman stepped on something. There was yet another note on the floor, close to the door. This one said  **We should talk. Meet tonight, town square, please? -P**

“Oh, what now?!” He groaned but made up his mind that he’d go.

With night approaching, Roman called Joan to make sure no one was outside at that time. Joan replied saying most residents were asleep and no one was bound to leave their houses aside from Roman himself and the self proclaimed P.

When reaching Town Square, Roman waited. He saw no one, immediately, and hoped someone would, maybe step out from under the shadows to announce their intentions, just like in the movies. It didn’t happen like that.

“Roman!” A voice called. “Over here!”

Turning to look, the man found the person who has summoned him here. And it was none other than Patton Reyes.


	7. tattletale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

“I KNEW IT!” Roman yelled. “I BLOODY KNEW IT WAS YOU! Frankly, I was starting to believe the first note was,,,, crazy magic that just manifested what my own thoughts but in reality, IT WAS YOU! I knew you were a two faced, skimming liar! I bet you’re trying to get thrown to the bad place and-”  
“What? Roman, no, I’d never do that. I thought… I thought we were becoming friends? I wanted to help you.”  
“How do you even know I’m not supposed to be here, then?!”  
“You told me.” Patton replied. “On the very first night, at the welcome party?”  
“Oh.” The memory was faint in Roman’s mind but it was there. “I… I vaguely remember that…”  
“I wanted to help you. Even more so after you helped me last night. It’s why I offered you to help out Michael, if you’re close to him, you can pull him off your trail, if he ever… gets on it.”  
Roman furrowed his eyebrows and bit his lower lip. “I would say that this is strangely kind of you but it seems we’ve already established you have a very kind nature so it is not, in fact, strange at all. But I have a really hard time trusting people, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t take simply your word for it.”  
“I figured, and it’s okay, Roman. But I wanted you to know, if you ever need help, I’ll be here. And I forgot to mention, I can teach you ethics!”  
“Excuse me, teach me what now?”  
“Ethics. Moral principles, morality, all through the perspective of different philosophers. It can help you become a better person.”  
Groaning, the actor pulled at his hair as he paced around in frustration. After a minute or so, he turned back around to face Patton and pointed at him.  
“I’ll think about it.”  
“That’s all I’m asking.”  
“Ugh, you’re sickeningly nice.”  
“I take that as a compliment?”  
“Do, I don’t actually like to compliment people.”  
“You did me just yesterday.”  
Roman crossed his arms over his chest. “You were crying!”  
At this, Patton walked closer to him. “I know you’re a good person, Roman. You must’ve just had… some issues in your life. It happens, and I want to help, like I said before. You’re not evil, you’re not bad, you have a good heart. Never forget that.”  
With that, the guy left. Roman stood in the dark, under one of the street lights, watching Patton walk away. Who else would have this much faith in him? Certainly not anyone he knew when he was alive.

The theater Roman had worked in was now a demolition site. The building was still up, so far, but soon it would come crumbling down and in its place would arise a shopping mall. Roman hated that idea. Before they started the destruction, Roman sneaked in at night. The streets were dark enough and he knew that place with the back of his hand, dodging anyone at the site had been as easy as falling asleep.  
That was the day he stepped on the stage for the last time. Because, you see, the theater was shut down but the equipment would be donated and some people were taking out the lights when one of them let the rope slip from the hands. And the heavy metal dropped from the ceiling, right on top of Roman himself.  
When he opened his eyes again, he had been in the good place, facing the Welcome wall before Leuen had called him inside their office.

“Hello, Patton!” Leuen approached the human, who took care of his garden.  
“Oh, hi, Leuen! To what do I owe the pleasure?”  
“One of your fellow residents is opening a restaurant tonight, and I’m thinking we all need a morale boost. Since you’re an event planner, I thought you could plan the grand opening!”  
“Of course I’ll help! Joan-”  
“Yes?” They popped up right between the two.  
“I want to model tonight’s event on my most successful fundraiser.”  
“That would be the 2006 fundraiser for stem cell research in Barcelona.”  
“Thank you!” Patton replied and Joan blinked away. “It was such a beautiful evening, I want to make sure tonight’s event is just as good!”  
Leuen made an ooo noise. “I shall select my best suit for the occasion! I may even wear… suspenders!”  
“Whatever makes you happy, buddy.”  
“Can you imagine? Me, in suspenders?!” Leuen clapped, pulling his whole body back. “It’s one of those human things I’ve always wanted to try.”  
“Good luck!”  
“Oh I’m so excited! And nervous. I’d say… cautiously optimistic! I hope I don’t chicken out at the last second.”  
“Why would you?”

Later in the day, Roman met with Patton at the mansion. He had a few more things to ask his kind benefactor.  
“Logan has absolutely no idea about me?”  
“Not at I know off. But then again, we don’t speak that much…” The thought brought a saddened expression on the man’s face. Unfocused eyes, drawn lips and furrowed eyebrows. “I don’t think he’s mentioned you at all in our conversations.”  
“Good to know.” Roman nodded. “So love, what exactly makes you want to help out people so much? Is that like something of a life changing moment story or were you just naturally born to set your needs aside to work on other people?”  
His friend laughed lightly. “It’s how I was raised to be, Roman. My parents were very considerate people as well. But… I think I also have been around too much misery to think I shouldn’t help anyone. Life is hard and it just keeps getting harder for everyone. I don’t really want to contribute to making it harder.”  
“Okay, so you were just born like that.”  
“Roman,” Patton sat down, gesturing for Roman to do the same. “No one is born good or bad. We learn to do these things. It just so happened that you learned more of the bad than of the good, that takes a while to unlearn. But you’re not alone, I promise you.”  
“You give me wise old owl energies.”  
“I used to be a therapist so I’ll take that to mean that I was good at my job.”  
“Certainly… Say, why do you think me learning ethics would help me become a good person?”  
“Because it’s about thinking about how your actions will affect other people. And that’s how you do good.”  
“I see…” Roman stared off as he lost himself in thoughts. “I would like a little bit more time to think.”  
“Of course.”  
“What is he doing here again?”  
The voice entered the room before it’s owner did. Logan held a book in his arms and hung by the door frame. His eyes locked onto Roman, giving the actor the impression that Patton’s soulmate was less than enthusiastic about having him there. Possibly, he was also suspicious about him.  
“Good morning, Lo! Well,” Patton tried, “he’s my friend, I just wanted him to come over. An- OH MY GOD!” He turned to Roman, fast. “I didn’t offer you anything, and none of us ate lunch yet! I’ll be in the kitchen making us something. See you soon!”  
“Patton, that’s really not nec-“  
But the man had already bolted off to his cooking duties, and Roman was left alone to deal with Logan. He had never quite expected to be in that situation, maybe ever.  
“What exactly are you doing?” He stepped inside, while still maintaining a safe distance.  
“It’s like your soulmate said, isn’t it? I’m his fr-“  
“That is not what I meant. I recognize you, Roman Kastler. You are a mediocre actor from a failed theater company and you are nowhere as good as the standard for people who should get into The Good Place. So, how did you?”  
“I- How did you even know?!”  
“Your death was in newspapers. You became quite famous for having such a foolish end, and for the dirt journalists managed to find on you. What a terrible person… you are, I mean. Not them. Though, I do not think they’d fit into the Good Place either.”  
“Who do you think you are? What’s got you so high and mighty?! The way you’re talking to me doesn’t quite make me feel like you belong here either! If anything, Patton deserves to be here for than you do.”  
“I was a research scientist when I was alive, and I helped save many lives, thank you very much. And I raised quite a lot of money for charity, as well.” Logan shot. “I devoted my life to helping others. You devoted yours to making a fool of yourself on a stage, and bashing on the people who actually helped and supported you. If you cause me or Patton any trouble, I won’t hesitate to tell Leuen the truth.”

Needless to say, lunch with those two ended up being a giant stress for Roman. And he didn’t want to burden Patton even more than he had already done, so instead of telling him of his soulmate’s threats to him, he simply said they were getting to know each other.  
So far, three people already knew he did not actually get into the Good Place for his own merit. And that was three people too many. Roman would have to do some damage control, should it come down to it.  
He hadn’t been looking forward to facing Virgil again either. They hadn’t exactly spoken since Virgil’s anxiety attack and Roman’s subsequent confession, but they were expected to attend Patton’s event together, as soulmates. Awkwardness had to place there.  
At their house, the spanish man watched TV as Roman arrived. Virgil turned off the TV and watched him, clearly unsure of how to start the conversation.  
“Hello, darking.” Roman did it for him. “I trust you’re feeling better since yesterday?”  
“Much. And I- Roman, I never got the chance to th-“  
“Oh no, no no, no, Virgil. I don’t think I deserve your gratitude, I did nothing to warrant it. I hope you’ll be okay for tonight’s event? The opening of the restaurant?”  
“Roman-“ Virgil stood up and walked towards him. “What the hell do you mean you did nothing to warrant it? You eased my mind, my worries and you told me your secret- how-“  
“Because it was selfish. All of it was selfish. I told you the secret in hopes of getting the weight off my chest and I helped you with the attack because otherwise, I would be stuck with an unfunctional soulmate. And that would not quite be fun for me now, would it?”  
“Still-“  
“Nothing. Let us just enjoy Patton’s event, alright? I think they’ll serve some magnificent food today.”  
Virgil let out a sigh, defeated. “Sure.”

The sound of clicking glass echoed through the room. Leuen held a cup and spoon, standing at the center of the room with Patton by his side, calling for everyone’s attention.  
“Welcome! To the grand opening of The Good Plates.” A second passed before he laughed. “I just realize how it sounds, that’s hilarious! Anyway, at some point or another in the afterlife, every resident will fulfill their true purpose. The chef of his restaurant has done it tonight.”  
A round of applause filled the room.  
“Now, if you’d all look at the menu,” Patton continued and everyone did so, “that’s right! With Leuen’s help, the chef recreated each and every single one of your favorite meals back on Earth!”  
Roman’s table had Virgil and Logan in it. All of them were genuinely excited to take a look at their plates. Virgil took the first turn. His food was a paella. Taking in the smell, Virgil closed his eyes and relaxed his postured. He seemed the happiest Roman had seen him so far.  
“My abuela’s recipe.” He explained. “I haven’t eaten this in forever.” He turned to his companions. “Any of you want some?”  
“Rice and shrimp?” Roman made a disgusted face before undoing it. “Actually, that sounds delicious, can I?”  
“Go ahead.”  
The flavors melted in his mouth and made him feel like he was, truly, in heaven. It made him excited to see what his plate had in it for him. But when he took off the lid, nothing was there.  
“Huh? Joan?”  
“Yes?” They popped up.  
“How come my plate is empty?”  
“According to my files, your favorite meal was the hunger strike you went on to protest Bolivian sex trafficking!”  
“HOW IS THAT A MEAL?!”  
“Roman, calm down,” Virgil reached for his arm.  
“Hell no!” The man refused. “You get a delicious paella, Logan gets- whatever the bloody hell that on his plate is, and I get nothing?! This is a restaurant, I’m supposed to be eating some food!”  
“I am sorry to hear that.” Joan said but disappeared as quickly as they had appeared.  
“Remember what I told you this evening, Roman…” Logan side eyed him.  
“Oh, to hell with you!”  
“Wha- What did he tell you, Roman?”  
“Nothing, nothing at all because he doesn’t!” Roman grabbed the sides of his head. “I haven’t eaten in hours, in preparation for this event, and I have an empty plate-“  
“Then that is your fault, is it not?” Logan cut in. “You could have eaten beforehand, nobody made you starve yourself.”  
Roman gritted his teeth. “I will end you.”  
“And I am telling Leuen the truth.” The other pushed his chair away from the table and left.  
“Oh no-no-no-no-no-no-“  
The actor left as well, Virgil following suit. “Wait, Roman! Does he kn-“  
“What do you think?!” He paced around from side to side before going behind the curtains close to the bathrooms. “I need to create a distraction. Right the fork now!” A cake came into his field of vision right then, from the corner of his eye and it gave him an idea. Virgil noticed this.  
“Roman, Roman, you can’t do that, the chef poured her heart and soul into making that, you can-“  
“Oh but I will.”  
And so he did. So save his own skin, once more, Roman committed a terribly immoral action. Shoving his hand right down the center of the cake, Roman pulled it off the table and into the ground. Not even half a second later, a loud crashing noise came and everyone screamed. He went to see what his destruction created.  
“Sinkhole!” Leuen yelled as Roman saw it out in the main hall.  
A hole so big, it felt like the entire place could just fall down right into it. His plan worked well enough.  
“Everyone out, there’s a sinkhole!” Leuen continued to lead people to the exit as Virgil showed up behind Roman, watching the chaos.  
“You broke the world.”

“You are truly an insane person. I have no doubt in mind the sinkhole is your doing.”  
At the mansion, Logan stood his ground, accusing Roman. The actor was starting to hate the scientist’s guts.  
“Well I am sorry, but I would like not to be tortured for all eternity! What sort of person sends someone off to that sort of fate? You are truly an insane person.”  
“He does have a point.” Virgil joined in, receiving glares from Logan.  
“It was yours to begin with! I am only setting things right.”  
“Are you obsessed with order? With-with, with rules? I get it, I am not the greatest of people but I have been working, and I am truly trying to become better. It took me dying to realize, I was an actual nightmare of a person and I do not want to be so anymore! Are you so stuck in your own idea of morals and sense of morality and judgement that you won’t allow for change?!”  
“Not when you have already died and destined for the Bad Place! It’s not my fault you were sent to the wrong place and not my fault you are still making a fool out of yourself!”  
“Logan-“  
“I cannot believe you are on his side.” He turned to Virgil, who attempted to defend Roman yet again. “He is not even truly your soulmate, and you owe him nothing!”  
“I do, actually but I don’t need to explain myself to you.”  
For the first time since he met the spanish one, Roman saw a hint of determination on him. Something other than pure anxiety and nervousness.  
“What is he actually doing to you by being here? He’s not threatening your place here, is he?” Virgil questioned. “Is you position here any less yours because he is bere?”  
“No, I don’t believe so bu-“  
“So let him earn his here.” He continued. “That’s all we’re asking. We’re not asking for your help, for your support, none of it. We’re asking for you to leave him be.”  
“We?” Roman questioned.  
“So, what do you say?”


	8. ready to get busted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

_ Logan’s grades had all been brilliant at the end of senior year. Either As or A+s, with that, he was sure to great in the best universities. The boy was excited to go home and tell the news to his parents. He arrived before they did and decided to wait in their room. It took some time, but the man and woman walked in and were confused by their child’s presence there. _

_ “Mom, dad!” He ran up to them. “I got all As in school this semester!” _

_ “You waited for us in our room just to tell us this _ _?” His mother walked past them and kicked off her high heels. _

_ “You didn’t do more than what you were supposed to, Logan.” His father continued, taking a seat on the bed. _

_ “But I-” _

_ “We’re tired, Logan, we’ll talk more with you and your brother later.” _

_ “Remus got home?” _

_ “He’s downstairs in the kitchen.” _

_ With that, Logan ran to meet his sibling. The older teenager lay on the couch, limbs spread all over the cushions, in a highly uncomfortable position. _

_ “You haven’t told them yet?” _

_ “Hello, little brother.” Remus didn’t even take time to look at Logan. “Why in the juicy hell would I do that?” _

_ “Because this is about your education?!” _

_ Remus Kang had been kicked out of college about three months prior to this, by setting fire to his dorm room. For the third time. _

_ The older one let his head hang back, resting on the edge of the couch’s back cushion, so he’d have a view of Logan who stood behind him. “Who says I care?” _

_ “If you don’t tell them, I will.” _

_ “Go ahead.” Remus turned to face the TV, shrugging. “See if they believe you.” _

 

“Fine.” Logan snapped at his visitors. “Just keep out of my way and I’ll stay quiet. Now,” He moved past them, “if you’ll excuse me, I’m leaving you to find your own way out. Good night.”

“To you too, you nerdy snitch!” Roman yelled after him while he left, sighing once he was out of sight. “I never want to go through this again.”

“You mean the sinkhole or Logan’s threat?”

They began walking towards the outside.

“Both.”

“The sinkhole was your idea though.”

“I didn’t think smashing a cake would make for a giant hole in the ground! And did you see that thing getting bigger or was that my imagination?”

“No, the edges were definitely getting wider while everyone ran for their lives.”

“You are going to give me a lot of crap for that, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, you could have done literally anything else but destroying the chef’s restaurant.”

“Like, I said! I didn’t know what exactly would happen!”

Virgil nodded once, firmly. “Right.”

“Why did you help me back there? If you think, and I quote, that I “broke the world’’?”

“Just helping you back because of what you did for me before.”

**_So the we part might’ve not meant anything._ ** Roman thought to himself and it was strangely hurtful. But Virgil managed to give him more time. Time felt like a rarity for him in this situation. And he had to make the most of it.

 

The next morning, Roman jumped out of bed to frantically look for Patton. He barely payed Virgil mind while he bolted out the door. It took him a few minutes but he found his friend at the yogurt shop.

“Patton!” He called as soon as he saw the man.

The phillipino one stood from his table, his eyes catching Roman, and he gestured for him to sit down. As he did so, Roman breathed in as if what he had to say pained him deeply. Studying had never been his strong suit and he knew absolutely zero things about philosophy, aside from the fact that ethics had to do with it.

“Good morning, Ro! Were you looking for me?” Patton pushed a spoonful of yogurt in his mouth

“Yes, padre. I accept your help. I want to learn about ethics.”

“OH THAT’S WONDERFUL!” The spoon hung from his tongue as he spoke. “We can start today, if you want!”

Roman nodded. “The sooner the better.”

“Perfect!” Patton smiled widely in response. “Before you go, do you want to grab a yogurt?”

“Actually, I do. Be right back.”

There had been no line when Roman approached the counter. The minute he had to decide which flavor to pick, someone took a spot behind him. And the longer he took to pick one, the more people got in line.

“Hey, Roman, you’re holding up the line, mind giving me your spot while you think?” The guy behind him questioned.

“No,” He immediately turned around, “actually, I want to get a few samples,” He turned again to face Joan, behind the counter, “Joan. Give me all the samples you can give me.”

“Consider it done.” Joan began grabbing the spoons.

“Oh Roman…” Patton watched from the sidelines, concerned.

 

Back at the mansion, Logan was hosting a party to help lift everyone’s spirits, trying to make them forget about the giant sinkhole the sad excuse of an actor had caused the night before. Everything seemed to be going quite nicely, everyone mingled and laughed, the food was all served in the corner, and the ambient seemed lively. Logan smiled at the sight, pleased with himself, hands behind his back.

“Logan!” Leuen called, pulling him out the observing state he had doven in.

“Yes, Leuen?”

“I have been working on my brunch banter, I would very much like your opinion on it.”

“Leuen, I myself am not very pro-”

“Take a listen,” The architect cleared his throat and began, “That New Yorker article was insane! Don’t tell me you haven’t seen Hamilton?! Hey, did you hear about Quil?”

Once they were finished, Leuen smirked, proud of themselves. 

Logan coughed before replying. “Eh, well done, Leuen. Truly.”

“Hi there.” Joan popped up in between them holding a 3D medium sized black triangle. “We have a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis.”

Leuen’s smile disappeared as quickly as it had come and his expression hardened. “A category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?”

Joan nodded. 

“I’m sorry, what exactly is a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?”

“Nothing to worry about, just a tinsy little inconvenience. Now, say, Logan, would you happen to have a very secluded room in which, if I screamed out of fear, every loudly, no one would be able to hear it?”

“Any rooms upstairs should do it.” Logan replied, suspicion present in his thoughts and only thoughts.

“Lead the way then, please.”

So he did. Logan took them to the second level of the house and unlocked a room for them to use. Joan set down the black triangle in the table.

“Thank you, Logan. You may leave now.”

With a nod, Logan backed away but didn’t go very far. He took a position from which he could see what they did while still being hidden from their eyes.

Using a swift movement of the hand above the triangle, Joan activated a hologram. It was the schematics of the sinkhole in the restaurant. Upon seeing the image, Leuen gasped.

“It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.” Joan explained.

“This is very bad, Joan. We have to into the sinkhole and fix it by hand.”

That’s when their host decided to join in. But as soon as Leuen turned and saw him, the hologram displayed a top secret message.

“Hello, Logan. What is it?”

“I had just wondering if I could be of any service.”

“Oh no, dear, don’t worry. You’ve been of plenty help already. We are merely having a small problem with the sinkhole.”

“Yes, oh, I meant to tell you earlier. I passed by it last night and uh… it seemed to have grown rather large?”

This made Leuen yelp, jumping in surprise. “It g- it- It got bigger?! A-Ah, well, that is… oh so normal. Yes, it needs to get worse before it gets better. I assure you that’s how it works. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just walk out, at my normal speed as I do, in every normal situation.”

They began taking a few awkward slow steps before bolting off. Now with Joan and Leuen gone, Logan was alone with the triangle and he was insanely curious about it.

Just tapping on the hologram made the top secret message go ahead, displaying instead, a chart of information. Some of the words written on screen were  **_Neighborhood Rankings_ ** . That’s what Logan tapped on and it loaded for him a list of names of everyone in the neighborhood. The first place held Patton’s name and upon seeing it, Logan rolled his eyes but scrolled down. Roman’s name was in sixth’s place.

Logan snickered. “Now this is proof he’s in here by mistake.”

More scrolling, trying to find his own name, Logan was very disappointed. His name was at the very bottom, ranked at second to last, from 322 people.

“This can’t be right.”

 

_ “This just cannot be right.” Chia-ming Kang, Logan’s mother, stared down at his university acceptance letter. _

_ With his grades, Logan could have picked Ivy league universities but after he graduated, he realized that nothing would be quite good enough for his parents. So he decided to spite them, by going to the local community college. The education was still good, Logan did have certain standards for himself. But by avoiding any famous colleges with prestigious names attached to them, he was saying a big fuck you to Chia-ming and Bo Kang. _

_ “Logan, either you apply to Harvard, or Yale, or any place of the sort, or you’re not part of this family anymore.” _

_ “Good.” _

_ “What _ ?”

_ “I don’t want to be.” _

_ “If you want to study at a good university at all then, yes you do. We’re paying for your education, Logan, we can just as easily stop doing so.” _

_ The boy’s eyes widened. “You’re not serious.” _

_ “I am.” _

_ “You’re insane.” _

_ “And you’re ridiculous, going off to community college!” His mother huffed. “Make your choice.” _

 

“Good afternoon.” Leuen appeared in every screen in the neighborhood. 

Roman had gotten back home after a small lesson Patton, being cut short by one of the residents needing his help with someone else. His soulmate was about to talk to him about the situation of the sinkhole when the architect did that for him.

“You may remember that a sinkhole opened in the middle of the neighborhood. The situation has become worse. Starting now, residents are not to leave their current places. No one may go outside under any circumstances. Leaving may cause catastrophic damage to you and to the very fabric of the universe.”

After taking the information in, Roman breathed in deep and turned to his soulmate. “I know what you’re going to-”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Virgil grabbed the sides of his head. “If anyone so much as opens the door, everything can go KABOOM! We’re all doomed, we’ll going to die and it’s because of you!”

“We’re already dead, ghost doofus.” The actor rolled his eyes. “How was I supposed to know this would happen?!”

“You weren’t supposed to do what you did in the first place!” The other yelled. “Are you stupid?! Haven’t you figured it out?! Everything you do has some consequences here, heavy ones and you’re putting everyone in danger!”

“I never meant to!”

“Your intentions don’t matter right now when we could all cease to exist!” The spanish man let out a big breath, inhaling and exhaling in an erratic uneven rhythm. “I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN PARADISE AND THIS IS HAPPENING!” Tears rushed out of his eyes as he tumbled to the floor, unable to move.

“Virgil?” Roman ran to him, trying to touch him, which made the man aggressively flinch. Roman pulled back. “Virgil?!”

Without any clue of what to do, Roman was stuck watching him go through the anxiety attack. When Virgil managed to get out of it, he still wasn’t very happy.

Two days went by and he refused to talk to Roman. To kill his boredom, the actor resorted to watching the welcome channel on their giant TV. It was simply Leuen telling anyone watching of everything the neighborhood had to offer.

“CAN YOU TURN THAT THING OFF, it’s been playing on a loop for two days.” 

Roman shot up, turning to face him. “Funny, this is, did you just speak to me, Virgil? I thought I didn’t exist for you anymore. I would loooooooove to turn off the telly, thing is, I kind of don’t have anything else to do so please, allow be to miserably watch Leuen explain what I haven’t visited around here yet.”

“Dios mio-” Virgil walked towards him. “Do you have a limit? Like of how much you can actually care about other people? Did you blew it, already? For doing one nice thing for one person? Is that how you work? When does the limit reset? I don’t think I want to be around you until it does.”

“Do you,” Roman stood up, pushing himself off the couch, “have a limit to how many questions you can ask in less than half a minute? Cause honestly, darling, running your mouth that way is not a very good look for you.”

“I cannot believe-”

A knock interrupted their fight. “Hey guys, it’s Leuen!” The architect started entering the house, Roman and Virgil had to move and pretend they weren’t just at each other’s throats.

“Hello, Leuen, to what do I owe today’s pleasure?” The english one greeted.

Two residents came behind them. Both held suitcases and processing this information, Roman prayed to the universe that it didn’t meant what he thought it did.

“Oh, I’m in a bit of a rush here, Roman. These are Dot and Larry, they lived right next door to the sinkhole so I’m having to relocate them and uh, as my assistant, I thought you could put them up for a little bit?” Before he could reply, Leuen continued. “It really shouldn’t take long, just between a week and uh- a week and eleven months.” They began moving towards the door, barely hanging back to hear Roman’s answer.

“Ah yes… Of course, dear, no problem.”

“Great, thank you, very much!”

And with that, they were gone.

Dot and Larry smiled at each other before smiling at him and Virgil. The couple held each other, lovingly and the pressure was on. Roman, uncomfortably and awkwardly, reached for Virgil’s arm and linked it with his own, Virgil, in just as much pain, petted Roman’s arm in an attempt of doing a loving gesture.

Things could get interesting after that.


	9. kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention before, but i decided to write Remus into this  
> if you're familiar with the good place, you see that i made Logan into the Tahani character and her arc has a lot to do with her sister Kamilah. Remus is that character for Logan. So he isn't exactly like he's been portrayed by Thomas and co, he's toned down a lot. Still, this is the disclaimer for you guys.

“Good morning.” Logan greeted the swarm of people who had been living in his house over the past two days. “It is currently day three of our brunch siege. I have prepared some activities for you the day and evening, you can see everything on the schedule I made, right here.” He pointed to it, standing on his left side on the support.

“Logan, you are truly the best.” One of the guests said.

**_You’d think so, wouldn’t you?_ **

“Thank you. I simply want everyone to feel comfortable.”

Well, that was a lie. Logan was starting to feel sick from having so many strange people he did not know around and the only thing keeping him from going completely insane, was all the planning. That, and constantly checking the rankings to see if his name ever popped closer to the top. It hadn’t so far.

“Still second to last?!” The man bit the inside of his cheek, huffing. “What am I doing wrong?”

 

_ “Remus is coming back this weekend!” Logan’s parents announced. _

_ While in college, Logan was still living with his parents, who had given him a set of rules to live by if he wanted to have an education at all. One of them was attending an Ivy League school, another was to live with them and another… was picking up Remus from the airport every time he visited. _

_ Reluctantly, he questioned. “When should I be at the airport?” _

_ “Midday and not a minute later!” _

_ So that’s how he spent that morning, waiting for his brother at the arrival gate. Remus saw him immediately and ran up to him, unconcerned about how his suitcase had opened and all of his belongings were flying off of it. _

_ “It always has to be you, doesn’t it?” _

_ “I’m not happy about it either.” Logan replied, staring at his phone screen. “The car’s outside.” _

_ “Really? I thought it was flying above our heads, waiting for a moment to fall and crash on us.” _

_ Logan sighed. “Let’s go.” _

**_If our parents knew who you actually were,_ ** _ he thought,  _ **_you wouldn’t be caught dead near us again._ **

_ But all of them were dysfunctional, one way or the other. Their parents were awful at, well, parenting, and Remus was a psychopath who tailored his personality to whoever he was with’s tastes. He didn’t do it with Logan anymore, because he knew it didn’t work and that no one would believe his little brother anyway. As for Logan himself, he was the product of all the dysfunctionality, something was wrong with him alright. He just hadn’t figured out quite what. _

 

“Thank you, again, for welcoming us so warmingly.” Dot sat on the counter, eating lunch. “We’re very sorry for the imposition.”

“Oh no no, no worries.”

“You know,” Larry leaned over it, “to tell you the truth, we asked Leuen to put us with you. We… might be a bit obsessed about your relationship.”

With an exchange of looks, Roman and his fake soulmate asked the same question to each other.  **_Why in the hell?_ **

“I thought I was an expect in love, because of my job,” Dot began, “but I may have a thing or two to learn from you two!”

Roman gulped. “Say, what was your job?”

“Marriage counselor.” 

“Aha!” He let out a short lived laugh. “How wonderful.”

“You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships.” Dot bragged. “And I did!” Her partner laughed with her. “It was called How To Spot Problems In A Marriage From A Hundred Miles Away.”

“Oh cool.” Virgil nodded as Roman agreed. “So cool.”

“And what about you, Larry?” 

“Oh, nothing as exciting, I started a company specializing in identity theft. Analyzing body language, tracking people pretending to be someone they’re not. Such a snooze.”

“Right.” The actor nodded, forcing out a painful smile. “Such a snooze.”

 

“We’re gonna get caught-“ Virgil passed around back and forth in their bathroom after they came up with an excuse to go in there in the middle of their conversation. While he did, Roman watched and became increasingly irritated by it. “They’re going to get to us, Roman! It’s going to happen!”

“STOP WITH THE PASSING, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD IN THIS WORLD! Look, a marriage counselor and a human liar detector were not my first choice for company either but we literally have no escape and I don’t believe they have any reason to suspect us.”

“IT HELPS ME NOT HAVE A BREAKDOWN and what do you mean no reason, Roman?! You caused the freaking sinkhole and we don’t particularly act like soulmates now, do we?”

“LOOK, I spent every second since my arrival here trying to not get caught and if we go down, it’s going to be because of you!”

Virgil rolled his eyes and held his head before catching something out of the corner of his eye. “Roman-“

“What now?!”

His fake soulmate pointed towards the glass circle window. On the other side stood Dot and Larry, who had probably seen their whole discussion. Now that’s when Roman wondered who the hell put that sort of window on a house bathroom. 

 

Back in the living room, Roman sat shrinking in on himself as he looked up at the couple who had probably just busted their asses.  

“So,” he began, “who much of that, exactly, did you hear?”

“We couldn’t hear you.” Larry replied. “But I am an EXPERT in non verbal communication, if I do say so myself. And it’s very clear that were fighting, and there are a lot of issues there.”

“We’re not judging you!” Dot jumped in. “With everything that’s going on and the sinkhole opening up, I’m sure there have been lots of soulmates in conflict. But we can help! I’m gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope, digging and poking and prodding until you two are back in soulmate harmony! Roman, why do-“

“He never does the dishes, I have to them all the time- He likes to go off on his own and pretend he doesn’t have anything to do with me, he-“

“Look,” Roman interrupted Virgil’s rambling by grabbing his wrist, “I just need a break sometimes and he refuses to accept that.”

“I’m getting a lot of repressed anger here.” Larry observed as he held his chin. “You are hiding something.”

The english one bit the inside of his lip, forcing a smile. “What on bloody hell would I-“

“No, no. Not you.” The other man slid his eyes to Virgil’s side, looking down at him. “You.”

"Me?!"

 

The sinkhole had grown overnight, at an alarming rate. It had swallowed the restaurant it has been in the middle off whole just minutes prior. As Joan returned from the evaluation Leuen had sent them to, the architect asked then to come closer. 

“Joan, what’s wrong?”

The informational system held a type of scan machine, they looked down at it and replied. “Everything.”

Grunting, Leuen held their bowler hat. They passed back and forth before hearing a voice he recognized. One that wasn’t Joan’s.

“This is worse than I thought…” Logan approached. 

“Logan, what in the hell are you doing out? Go back, go back now, you’re in danger!”

“I wanted to help. Ask if there was anything you needed me to do- where did the restaurant go?!”

“Into the sinkhole, now, Logan. There isn’t anything you can do. This is not something a human can deal it. And frankly, just by you being near the sinkhole in this state could cause you some… weird side effects.”

Just as they said this, Logan’s face began… glitching. His left eye twitched, his lips alternated between a shade of blue and his natural shade, his cheeks got swollen…

“What is- what is happening to me?” He asked, with some difficulty. 

“One of the side effects.” Joan answered.

“Joan,” Leuen turned to them, “knock him out before he can do anything else stupid.”

“Knock me-“

Joan touch his forehead and the man lost all consciousness. They left him fall flat on the ground. 

 

“I am not hiding anything.” Virgil sat on the couch, facing the couple they were being forced to live in as well as his fake soulmate. “There is no big deal.”

“Something is definitely up.” Dot insisted. “Saying that it’s no big deal always means that it is, indeed, a big deal.”

“Okay, Virgil.” Larry approached him. “Out with it. Come on, buddy. What is so unsatisfying about your soulmate relationship?”

“Be honest, darling.” Roman stared at him. “Be the exact right amount of honest, so that we’ll both be happy.”

Closing his eyes, the spanish man took a deep breath. He was basically being offered therapy for free, wasn’t he? Well, in the relationship aspect of his life. So what did he have to lose? 

“I never had a soulmate on Earth.” He started. “No one I loved and who loved me just as much. Not one serious boyfriend because I just couldn’t commit to anything. So when I got here and Leuen told us we’d get to meet our actual soulmates, I was… ecstatic! But so far,” he glanced up at Roman and quickly avoided the other’s gaze, “it hasn’t been… exactly what I had imagined.”

“You’ve never had an intense relationship before!” Dot interpreted. “Of course everything about this is new to you, it’s all uncharted territory!”

“No wonder you’re so tense.” Larry added. 

“Now, Roman, what would you-“

“Oh dear, would you look at the time?” He stared at the clock from the kitchen. “It’s getting quite late, I need sleep. Don’t you, Virgil, darling? We’re going to bed and uh, we shall see you in the morning.”

“But-“ The couple tried. 

Roman had already grabbed Virgil by the arms. “This has been wondering but really we can continue another day. Thank you!!”

 

“Logan, bud, time to wake up.”

The architect’s voice reached the human being the nudging did. Logan was already standing up on the couch by the time they touched him. As he rubbed his eyes, sleepiness still with a hold on him, Logan yawned. 

“Leuen? Did it work? Did I fix the sinkhole? Did I save the day?!”

“No, but you did do was so incredibly stupid, it could have caused you any number of harmful things. We had to knock you unconscious. Why in the world did you do that?”

Rolling his eyes, Logan confessed. “Because I saw the rankings, Leuen.”

“The rankings?! But Logan, you were not supposed to see that! The architect’s manual is for us architects and Janet. It contains very sensitive information. Such as, some songs lyrics that are not quite ready yet…” 

“Well you left it here when you ran off. I just don’t understand how I scored so low!” The human avoided their stare. 

“Why did it unravel you so?!”

 

_ “I am so sorry to hear about your parents passing.” The family lawyer sat in front of Logan and Remus with a sheet of paper. “Please bear with me as I read to you their last will and testament. For our oldest son, Remus, we leave sixty eight million dollars, the home in England, the family home in Taiwan, the yacht and other assorted weekend boats.” _

_ “And what did they leave their second favorite child?” Logan squinted, prepared to hear the worst.  _

_ “They left quite a lot in your name actually. Except… well, they misspelled your name, it seems. They wrote, to our youngest son, Ligan Kang-“ _

_ “This is a joke.” He blinked, several times.  _

_ He expected to be left out of the will entirely, he expected there to be a bunch of ridiculous rules for him before he could touch anything his parents left him if they had left him at all, but this? It was just insane and absurd.  _

_ “It has to be a joke, they forgot my name?!” _

_ “We can find a way to still have you get your inheritance, mister Kang, it will just take a while.” _

_ From the corner of his eyes, Logan caught Remus’s shit-eating grinning. If one had no self control whatsoever, they would have jumped at the chance to strangle the man. Luckily, maybe more for Remus than for Logan himself, the youngest child was not that ‘one’. _

_ He breathed in before replying. “Yes, please. Fix it, however long it can take, I don’t mind.” _

 

“A matter I would rather not talk about.” Logan cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I looked at the rankings, Leuen.”

“I’m assuming you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole?” He nodded in response. “Logan, the point evaluation stops the moment you die. And out of literally millions of people, you were one of the best! One of the most remarkable. You have nothing left to prove.”

Even so, Logan has always come second best. Not only to his family, there had always been someone just once step ahead of him. He never felt like he was good enough for anything. If he had done something to help fix the sinkhole… 

“Hi there!” Joan popped up right then. “The sinkhole has started to repair itself.”

Logan and Leuen both gasped as they stood up. “It did?!”

Joan nodded. 

“I need to check that.” The architect walked past the human, taking Joan with him.

If Logan had done nothing and Leuen had spent the night looking after him but the sinkhole was healing… what had happened? 

 

In the small house, Virgil woke up to the sound of Leuen’s voice in the TV. They said it was now safe to go outside. Walking around, he noticed that Dot and Larry had already moved out as well. It was somewhat nice to see that. It was better whoever, to see a note from Roman in the counter. It read  **meet me at the Art Studio.**

The Art Studio was a place in Town’s Square for everyone to share. It was storage for whatever art supplies one could think of and it had a giant common space for people to do their art. Roman was waiting for him there.

Arriving at the studio, Virgil expected it to be somewhat full. It had been, the other couple of times he had visited. But this time, only Roman stood there.

“Good morning.” He smiled upon seeing his fake soulmate.

“Morning.” Virgil approached with caution. “What’s going on?”

“I realized, yesterday, that I am a sort of… utilitarian nightmare.”

“As in, Stuart Mill’s utilitarianism? You know philosophy?” 

“Patton’s teaching me, that’s not important!” Roman sighed. “It’s just that, every ounce of my happiness leads to your misery. If i get to stay here, you’ll never meet your true soulmate. And for that, I am… eternally sorry. I never quite understood the appeal of soulmates… but it seems as though I have enough empathy to care that it matters to other people. And you… you stood by me, the other day, with Logan and everything. I never repaid you for that, did I?”

“Like I said, I-“

“I know. But you helping me makes you miserable and I wanted to ease it a bit for you. So today I asked Leuen if he could shut this place for you to use it. Only you. And should you ever need a break from me again, you can ask the same thing to them yourself. 322 people in the neighborhood but this, can be all yours from time to time. And, oh-“ Roman grabbed something from the inside of his jacket. “I also have something for you to show me, whenever you get absolutely sick of me.” He turned the piece of paper he held, showing letters on the other side that formed the sentence  **Fork Off, Roman.** in big bold letters. 

Reaching for it, Virgil found himself speechless. He found his voice eventually. “What- What’s with the sudden change?”

“I told you, I-“

“No, I mean… in attitude. Roman, the second I met you, you were slightly rude and to the point and honestly, self absorbed. It’s been like… two weeks? A little less? And now you’re… thoughtful, caring. Sweet. What happened?”

With a big sigh, Roman looked down at his feet. “If it took me literally dying, to figure out I was… the crappiest of the crappiest of people… that means I was absurdly self absorbed. And that all the pain I caused outweighs the good, far more. I was never averted to doing good things, I just thought they inconvenienced me a lot more. And look where that got me. I may be in paradise but it’s unearned and now I’m terrified of being caught. And I am not alone,” he let out a short lived laughed, “as… impossible as that would have sounded to me on my first day here. And it feels good. So thank you. And uh, can’t wait to see the beautiful pieces you make when you come out of here!”

 

“No, I mean it, just look at it, it’s good as new!” Leuen had a couple of residents surrounding him by the spot where the sinkhole had opened. 

Roman approached the scene with his own yogurt in hand, watching as they all jumped up and down, testing the ground. So it had really closed, it was all good and pretty again! The nice action he did for Virgil might’ve done that. 

“Hey boss!” The human called them. “You fixed the sinkhole, that’s great!”

“Yup, good and pretty.” Leuen smiled. “Crisis averted, everybody have a wonderful day because I fixed the sinkhole!” They quickly turned to Roman and whispered. “I didn’t fix the sinkhole.”

“Sorry?”

“I tried! But nothing worked and than today it just-“ Leuen made a sound, “closed over.”

“Well, as your assistant,” Roman grabbed their hands, “I officially declare this good news!”

"No!" Leuen squeezed. "This isn't good news, Roman, can't you see? Something is causing my neighborhood to go haywire and I have no idea what it is. I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning tomorrow." They leaned closed to the human. "You and I, Roman. You and I are going to find this problem."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment!

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave a comment!


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